Little help

What is that song in Royal Tennenbaums....it is in the trailor and in the movie..."well I'm on my way, don't know where...." Someone please...what is that? I need the song but I am not sure if it was even included on the soundtrack.

So much to say

And yet I don't know where to start...Brief overview

Lord of the Rings was an incredible movie and was even better the second time around

The Royal Tennenbaums was a decent movie but not an overall quality movie.

Christmas was very mellow and relaxing.

My parents spoiled me way too much and gave me stuff I didn't even know existed.

I am sick...still...for a week now...and I do not get paid for the holidays since I was sick beforehand...need new job...

I have a pathetic dependency problem especially when I am sick and it holiday time.

Bulimia is a very gross habit, as is stuffing your face beforehand and smoking like a chimney, and all these combined are not very attractive.

I can not find the new No Doubt album anywhere.

I look better with brown hair.

i can't stop crying and i hate that i am weak and why do i feel so alone im not going to be able to sleep and i dont want to end up depressed but im raining down buckets and my heart is sobbing and i dont want to be this miserable i know that it is just going to take time but my but my hands are frozen on quarter to empty locked into everlasting minutes of pain i am lacking the comforting i shouldnt need but want so badly right now

Wow wow wow

Vanilla Sky was such a good movie, not at all what I was expecting...so utterly impressed with it. I dare to say a total mind fuck for a good amount of time. I love movies that twist and turn and totally confuse you. Definately an excellent performance by Cruise and an annoyingly psycho Diaz. And how could you not think Cruz was just adorablely cute in the movie. I want to go see it again and definately buy it when it is out. Wow.

Gggrrrr

I have tickets for Lord of the Rings this thursday night and no one to go with! The person I was supposed to go with bailed on me and can't handle going. None of my girl friends want to go and all my guy friends are busy! This totally sucks....anyone in the bay area want to go with me? I even posted an ad on Craigslist. How sad. I thought EVERYONE wanted to see this movie...guess not...maybe its me? No, they all suck. And I'm sticking to that story.

Some things should be left alone

I do not in any way think that making fun of what happened is acceptable. Rotten has lost some respect today with posting this

Just in case anyone else wanted to spoil me

Or at least you can see what I have been drooling over lately. So lo and behold: Amber's Wishlist

After all, I am single during the holidays, and so bored and sad and lonely, and cold, with big puppy eyes and a quivering lip, and I have been wearing socks with holes in them and sleeping outside in the rain everynight, waking each morning iced over, with no hot water to take a shower, and these things would make me truly happy and put everything in its right place...I think I am going to send it to my dad to reinforce all the times he has called me his "special little leech."

The one with the annoying porn pop ups

You know how sometimes in chat or in a message window someone will try to get you to click porn? Well now I know where they come from. When I got home from work yesterday I tried to log on aol and it told me I had an invalid password, for both accounts. I went to call customer service but realized I needed my dad's billing info to verify. We are sneaky and run both accounts from 2 different houses. He said he would call customer service and straighten things out. My account had been sorta funny over the weekend; I was booted twice from aol getting a message saying that someone was logging on as my screen name somewhere else. I figured maybe my dad clicked the wrong name.

So my dad finally calls me back and says I was doing illegal things under aol's terms. He said I was in Lesbian 50s and over chat advertising porn sites. Wait! What?????? And suddenly it clicked. On saturday morning I got a message from someone I didn't know saying I had an insta-hug which is a legitimate thing aol has. I clicked it and put in my name and password on what looked to be an aol site. Someone must have captured my password and had been logging on as me. So my dad believes that I am not a freak, which in this case at least is true. Damn aol and the damn stupid users who are sick puppies and steal other names to do their dirty work. What a scam. And I never realized that its quite possible all those dirty messages and dirty emails and dirty chat invitations are all stolen screen names. So disheartening...And this kind of drama tends to only happen to me...how lucky is that?

Just so I can be one of the cool kids

I have noticed the questions trend lately and I think it would be kind of fun to get some questions and then post them...so...being that I am not shy and have a sense of humor (A damn good one at that)(I think so at least)
Anyway...so send me some questions of any sort and amuse me why don't you.

Tis the season for me

Once again I have gone shopping and spent money on me. However, I did get my mom's present out of the way. So some good came of it. This is how bad I am. Sunday I bought...

At Ross
1. Purple sweater $9.99
2. Plaid shiny skirt $5.99
3. Tommy Hilfiger Bra $9.99

At Sock shop
1. Cow toe socks with udders and black and white spots $7.50
2. Pink knee highs $7.50
3. Vegas print knee high trouser type socks $8.50

At Longs
1. Rose scented asian type soap $.49

At Victoria Secret
1. 6 lotions/body spray/bath gel which were 6 for $30...3 for me, 3 for mom
2. Satin nightshirt for mom $30

At Hot Topic
1. Weezer sweatshirt $42.00
2. Goonies T-shirt $19.00
3. Truffle shuffle Chunk sticker $1.99
4. One time at band camp sticker for car since everyone says I remind them of her (That's bad huh?) $1.99

I should not be allowed outside anymore. I should do all my other shopping selflessly online for other people, buying nothing for me.

What makes all this worse is that I am already spoiled. My dad brought me a 25" TV on Friday, which is part of my Christmas present. He also brought me a cute tea cart for my kitchen to keep snacks in. And I go off and buy myself crap I didn't need...Don't judge me ok? I am dealing with my addictions by finding new ones.

It's me! It's me!

Just in case you were wondering what the exact epitomy of Super Dork is, that would be me. Cape and all. Full explanations to proceed when I am not delerious. Off to bed with thee Super Dork!Maybe Super Dorkette? Am I utterly hopeless?

Early bird gets messed up

My normal work morning starts around 6:15 with a shower, followed by unnecessary dawdling and girly procedures, gearing up for work to start at 8. Sometimes, due to doctor appts, trips, or other random plans that come up early in the day, I decide to come into work at 6 so I can get off 2 hours early and still get paid for 8 hours. This means getting up at 4:15. (shudder) So today is one of those early days for me. My dad is driving up from the Yosemite area they live by now to visit with me.

As much as I am excited to see him due to recent homesickyness, this does not relate in any way to me functioning with even half my brain capacity this morning. As I finished my shower this morning I decided to do a quick underarm shave, yet instead decided to shampoo my hair with the shaving cream. Luckily I did not proceed with the razor. I also managed to stare in a stupor at the lightswitches in the hallway, trying to figure out why when I hit it there was no light. It took me a good minute to realize I had turned on the patio light and not the living room light. As boring as this account is, it gets worse. On my short 10 minute drive to work, I turned the heater on, wondering why it was taking so long to warm up, finally realizing that A/C does not in fact stand for heat.

I am tempted to drink Mountain Dew to help me wake up, being that coffee lately makes my tummy irritated and does non-wonders to what my doctor has described as a lumpy problem anyway...sure go ahead ruin my self esteem doctor lady. I am trying to make it through one more hour decaffeinated while the urge grows stronger...I know I am going to need it for my late night tonight though and I don't want to OD on caffeine all day. It isn't even 7 yet....Sigh...

Things I giggle about

Things mis-said at work can be very funny. These 3 are the most memorable for some reason...

"How do you smell that?" (Question asked of a customer calling in after we had been talking about flatulence prior to the call)

"It's not our fart." (Talking about the chain of command and how things don't go well and management blames it on a one time glitch over and over.)

"Everywhere you go you take your pantses." (Conversation about dating and the risks involved. I was expecting to hear "off" at the end since we briefly mentioned intimate relationships with bar/club strangers.)

My name is Amber, and I am an addict

The internet has been down all morning at work, almost 4 and a half hours with no messenger, games or websurfing. I am not quite sure how I survived. I tried to do some work but made several futile attempts, played a few rounds of real chess with a co-worker, talked about disney trivia and some embarrassing grade school things. All in all I nearly lost all forms of sanity. It got to the point where said co-worker and I were emailing each other lame little comments, like school girls passing notes and giggling hysterically. I tell you people, it was not a pretty sight. Thank god that we are now connected and I can breathe easily.

Strange me phenomena

Two weird things must have happened last night and neither is explainable, although both together could make for interesting assumptions...

First off, I woke up with no shirt on...this has happened 4 nights in a row now...I don't remember waking up to take it off, yet somehow it is gone in the morning. And secondly I woke up really sore this morning. My arms and legs were achy, as if I had worked out hard the day before, which is not the case. I have not been having sexual dreams (that I can remember at least) and am at a loss for what is going on. As much as it would be romantic...or creepy to think, no one is sneaking in and ravaging me, seeing as I lock my door each night and wake to find it securely locked each morning. Do I have a dream boyfriend I have yet to remember? He must not be very good if I forget that easily.

Appropriately titled "Thinning the Herd"

A man inadvertently shot and killed his 23-year-old son on a hunting trip while the son hid behind a log, holding up a dead squirrel and making barking sounds (even after the son had been warned by the family many times to cut out the pranks) (Galien, Mich., September). And a 25-year-old man who had parked on railroad tracks to scare his girlfriend and then chased after her on foot was killed when he ran back to the car to move it (after hearing a horn) and was crushed by a passing train (Houston, July). And a 19-year-old college student was killed when he slid down a library chute that he thought was for books but which was a garbage chute dumping straight into a compactor (Sewanee, Tenn., October). [Gary Post-Tribune, 9-26-01] [Houston Chronicle, 7-25-01] [The Tennessean, 10-12-01]

This and more at News of the Weird

Open the Floodgates

So I was recently talking about some Christian issues that I was not completely informed on...and now have another tangent on my mind. Let me state for the record I do believe that Jesus is the savior and died for our sins. I do believe in heaven. I don't believe in Hell. I do believe there are many contradictions among religions (duh). I would like to believe in something identical to the scenario in What Dreams May Come. The religious explanations and ideas in this movie couldn't be more perfect for me. However, I do believe in evolution. So being that I do not have a strong religious background I am curious how more devout Christians explain it, or differ in beliefs...or don't believe in it at all...

Productivity

Is it just my work, or does every office have pointless meetings in which the person in charge rambles on about the same thing, saying it 10 different ways, wasting my time and everyone elses, leaving us knowing nothing different from when we went in? My friend and I tried to pass the word to other employees to play the silent game and don't ask questions in an effort to cut things short, but somehow they don't listen. How much are those people in charge getting paid again?

Bleh returns

So I bought this cute little designer phone/answering machine all in one doohickey from Target about 2 months ago. For a week now, the answering machine has been working but the phone hasn't. Everytime I pick up the phone from the cradle to make a call or take one, it goes to a high pitched static within a minute and shuts off. At first I thought it was the phone line, but that can't be since the internet runs through the line and is ok. And then I thought the phone was plugged in loosely and wasn't charging but that isn't the case either. So today I get to call the support number to talk to someone since it says, "STOP! Do not return this to the store. Please call customer support for help." If you have ever had to call a support number or service number, I am sure you are wincing as I am in memory of the wait time and frustration, but due to new efforts to reduce whining, I am going to assume this call will be pleasant and helpful. Let me go laugh deliriously now.

It isn't dandruff

One of my co-workers thought it would be jolly good fun to dump fake snow in my hair, as I sat innocently, for once minding my own business and not provoking anyone. These are seriously big flakes and have decided to cling to my hair no matter how hard I try to get them out. I am not laughing people. I am somehow reminded of my high school and junior high days when everyone would bring shaving cream, whip cream and silly string and attack any person within range. I keep saying that we actually do work here...but I am going to give up on insisting soon.

So that's what is wrong with me

Contradicting coffee

Yay for Monday for once

So now that I am single I actually look forward to work. That slightly scares me. I just had a slightly lonely weekend and did a lot of thinking about who I want to be although I am not sure if I should be wanting to be something different than what I am. Granted I need to go back to school and figure out which career I want to pursue, and I want to go back to kickboxing and get in shape, keeping busy would be a good thing right now. I want to read and write more for myself; I feel I am out of practice at academic related things that I used to take pleasure in. I guess I am more self-conscious about my levels of complaining and my listening skills. I am feeling slightly selfish lately for numerous reasons. Maybe I just need the right person to bring out the better sides of me. That is a good idea. Make it someone elses responsibility. Whoo hoo...I'm crafty.

It's pretty bad when you don't even know why you are crying and it's friday night and you are alone and you are tired but you can't sleep and there are a million things you could be doing but all you want is for someone to hold you and tell you its ok because the world just seems like such a sad place right now. Everyone has their someone and everyone is happy and I used to be and I lost whatever it was that made me happy and now this feeling has washed over me, pulling me under, dragging me down to the depths of something I don't understand, something thinly walking the line of depression, teetering and taunting me. I know I have people to count on but my sense of counting spirit is gone and I am even more upset that I have to reach out to someone to grab their hand and force them to reach for me and the only phone call I have gotten tonight is from the one person I can't count on anymore and everyone else I have called seems to be off, wrapped up in life, while I watch, frozen in a Twilight Zone episode as things move around me and I stand still, invisible to living. I forgot to write down the instructions and in a flood of tears I washed away what I knew, leaving myself no way to remember where the control lies. I am hoping that when my head hits the pillow I'll fall into sleep and forget who I am, and that I am sad and maybe it is just my lack of sleep that is making me the trembling wreck that I am. I'm sick of myself, calling with my soul dripping out of me, heaving my problems onto other people as they turn away, drained, my emotions' current sweeping them away, driving them farther away and if I buy the fake smile in the window I can attract them, make them want me around, my feelings cloaked by the guise of the "I'm good" answer. And I am done bleeding, having poured out everything, I am dry, grasping a small piece of relief which I try to stretch and wrap around myself to keep warm, to keep going, to get up tomorrow with a better attitude. My face feels salty but my storm has receeded and passed over for now in hopes that sunshine will find me in a better disposition in the morning.

Toe-may-to, Toe-motto

So I have become addicted to Caramel Apple Cider from the corporate nightmare that is Starbucks. Not only does Fairuza Balk, or rather her exact look and speak a like work there, but I have noticed a weird phenomenon. Most people say carmel. So is it supposed to be cara-mel? or car-mul? According to this guy you say it like this. But I don't. That's all for now.

If I were a work of art, I would be Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night. I am a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the tumult of the heavens. Objects whirl and flash around me in a fevered haze only partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my isolation. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

Selfish little me

I went to the mall to buy presents for my friends and small circle of friends last night. I was dreading the crowds but surprisingly, considering a packed parking lot, the mall was pretty quiet inside. I want to get my parents a DVD player and scare them with the horrors and complications and wonderment of technology, but I think due to recent unexpected bills I can't really afford it. I thought maybe something nice for their new house would be appropriate, but I was stuck on ideas. The same with friends.

So I bought things for myself because that seemed easier. I got a black shirt and some fuzzy knee highs from The Gap and some apple lotion. I am so selfless. It is just way too easy to find things I want when I am supposed to be shopping for other people. Isn't it?

More drama in roommate land

So as if my girl roommate dating a homeless guy isn't bad enough, my other roommate has taken to bugging the crap out of me. He normally locks me in the laundry room for a minute while he laughs on the other side and taunts me. This has happened a few times and I did it back for the first time monday, letting the door shut and then opening it back up within 5 seconds. Apparently this was grounds for him to be a big brat. I spent a lot of sunday crying and was in a very vulnerable mood on monday. I decided to run to the store monday night and offered to pick up something if he needed anything which he declined.

I left for about 20 minutes and when I got home he had stolen my driveway spot, moving his car deliberately from the street for no other reason than to be a jerk, considering we all cherish the driveway spot and first come first serve is the rule. He then saw me coming up the driveway with arms full of groceries, so he locked the front door. I had to put everything down and fumble for the keys. I was already upset and frustrated and not feeling good. I sarcastically said he was inconsiderate and went to my room. There was vaseline all over my doorknob. I burst into tears being the lame girl I am and was really upset. This was just a bad day. To top it off, as I went out to the kitchen to grab a bottled water, he made fun of me crying, making sniffling noises and saying boo hoo poor Amber. No apology or words relating to his bad timing and maybe he went too far. I was thinking of revenge but I really don't want to start a habit of childishness and let it get more out of control.

To top it off, I went out to the car Tuesday to find it covered in ice, and being as I wasn't in the driveway I couldn't hose it down. Napkins are not good ice removers.

I'd be so styling

Imagine how cool you would be around the office with one of these.

I need a band-aid

I am not feeling like a half, but I need to somehow make myself whole. I created this gaping wound in my heart and my hands just can't cover the pain. It was a mutual thing and for the best but it just hurts. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been your best friend, confidante, lover, the first person you call with good news or bad, the one who spent everyday with you in the hospital and helped you do things when you couldn't manage for yourself? It isn't really that anyone is to blame, it's just that we need to grow and make changes in our lives and being together was hindering that. I felt like I was mothering too much and he wanted that whole devotion and adoration of a high school relationship. I just can't be like that right now. I need my own space and life. I need to be able to see my friends and have some "me" time. I guess after almost a year I start thinking of the future. I am FAR from wanting to live with someone or "settle down" but it is nice to think that the relationship IS going somewhere.

My dad's favorite analogy is that of a lock and key. Each part needs to function and work on its own. When put together each one does its part to make the relationship work. Sometimes the key just doesn't fit the lock, or the lock is sticky and it just doesn't work smoothly. Regardless, I really do care for the boy and I am saddened it didn't work. I don't regret loving him and spending time with him. I have learned a lot of things about who I am and what I want. He has also helped me to grow in different ways, be more open-minded and active in thinking and analyzing the world around me. I am just hurting right now to have to let go. The right thing most times is not the easy thing. However I am smart enough to know you can't just stay with someone to avoid the pain of not being with them. And so begins the slow and tedious healing...