Little help

What is that song in Royal Tennenbaums....it is in the trailor and in the movie..."well I'm on my way, don't know where...." Someone please...what is that? I need the song but I am not sure if it was even included on the soundtrack.

So much to say

And yet I don't know where to start...Brief overview

Lord of the Rings was an incredible movie and was even better the second time around

The Royal Tennenbaums was a decent movie but not an overall quality movie.

Christmas was very mellow and relaxing.

My parents spoiled me way too much and gave me stuff I didn't even know existed.

I am sick...still...for a week now...and I do not get paid for the holidays since I was sick beforehand...need new job...

I have a pathetic dependency problem especially when I am sick and it holiday time.

Bulimia is a very gross habit, as is stuffing your face beforehand and smoking like a chimney, and all these combined are not very attractive.

I can not find the new No Doubt album anywhere.

I look better with brown hair.

i can't stop crying and i hate that i am weak and why do i feel so alone im not going to be able to sleep and i dont want to end up depressed but im raining down buckets and my heart is sobbing and i dont want to be this miserable i know that it is just going to take time but my but my hands are frozen on quarter to empty locked into everlasting minutes of pain i am lacking the comforting i shouldnt need but want so badly right now

Wow wow wow

Vanilla Sky was such a good movie, not at all what I was expecting...so utterly impressed with it. I dare to say a total mind fuck for a good amount of time. I love movies that twist and turn and totally confuse you. Definately an excellent performance by Cruise and an annoyingly psycho Diaz. And how could you not think Cruz was just adorablely cute in the movie. I want to go see it again and definately buy it when it is out. Wow.

Gggrrrr

I have tickets for Lord of the Rings this thursday night and no one to go with! The person I was supposed to go with bailed on me and can't handle going. None of my girl friends want to go and all my guy friends are busy! This totally sucks....anyone in the bay area want to go with me? I even posted an ad on Craigslist. How sad. I thought EVERYONE wanted to see this movie...guess not...maybe its me? No, they all suck. And I'm sticking to that story.

Some things should be left alone

I do not in any way think that making fun of what happened is acceptable. Rotten has lost some respect today with posting this

Just in case anyone else wanted to spoil me

Or at least you can see what I have been drooling over lately. So lo and behold: Amber's Wishlist

After all, I am single during the holidays, and so bored and sad and lonely, and cold, with big puppy eyes and a quivering lip, and I have been wearing socks with holes in them and sleeping outside in the rain everynight, waking each morning iced over, with no hot water to take a shower, and these things would make me truly happy and put everything in its right place...I think I am going to send it to my dad to reinforce all the times he has called me his "special little leech."

The one with the annoying porn pop ups

You know how sometimes in chat or in a message window someone will try to get you to click porn? Well now I know where they come from. When I got home from work yesterday I tried to log on aol and it told me I had an invalid password, for both accounts. I went to call customer service but realized I needed my dad's billing info to verify. We are sneaky and run both accounts from 2 different houses. He said he would call customer service and straighten things out. My account had been sorta funny over the weekend; I was booted twice from aol getting a message saying that someone was logging on as my screen name somewhere else. I figured maybe my dad clicked the wrong name.

So my dad finally calls me back and says I was doing illegal things under aol's terms. He said I was in Lesbian 50s and over chat advertising porn sites. Wait! What?????? And suddenly it clicked. On saturday morning I got a message from someone I didn't know saying I had an insta-hug which is a legitimate thing aol has. I clicked it and put in my name and password on what looked to be an aol site. Someone must have captured my password and had been logging on as me. So my dad believes that I am not a freak, which in this case at least is true. Damn aol and the damn stupid users who are sick puppies and steal other names to do their dirty work. What a scam. And I never realized that its quite possible all those dirty messages and dirty emails and dirty chat invitations are all stolen screen names. So disheartening...And this kind of drama tends to only happen to me...how lucky is that?

Just so I can be one of the cool kids

I have noticed the questions trend lately and I think it would be kind of fun to get some questions and then post them...so...being that I am not shy and have a sense of humor (A damn good one at that)(I think so at least)
Anyway...so send me some questions of any sort and amuse me why don't you.

Tis the season for me

Once again I have gone shopping and spent money on me. However, I did get my mom's present out of the way. So some good came of it. This is how bad I am. Sunday I bought...

At Ross
1. Purple sweater $9.99
2. Plaid shiny skirt $5.99
3. Tommy Hilfiger Bra $9.99

At Sock shop
1. Cow toe socks with udders and black and white spots $7.50
2. Pink knee highs $7.50
3. Vegas print knee high trouser type socks $8.50

At Longs
1. Rose scented asian type soap $.49

At Victoria Secret
1. 6 lotions/body spray/bath gel which were 6 for $30...3 for me, 3 for mom
2. Satin nightshirt for mom $30

At Hot Topic
1. Weezer sweatshirt $42.00
2. Goonies T-shirt $19.00
3. Truffle shuffle Chunk sticker $1.99
4. One time at band camp sticker for car since everyone says I remind them of her (That's bad huh?) $1.99

I should not be allowed outside anymore. I should do all my other shopping selflessly online for other people, buying nothing for me.

What makes all this worse is that I am already spoiled. My dad brought me a 25" TV on Friday, which is part of my Christmas present. He also brought me a cute tea cart for my kitchen to keep snacks in. And I go off and buy myself crap I didn't need...Don't judge me ok? I am dealing with my addictions by finding new ones.

It's me! It's me!

Just in case you were wondering what the exact epitomy of Super Dork is, that would be me. Cape and all. Full explanations to proceed when I am not delerious. Off to bed with thee Super Dork!Maybe Super Dorkette? Am I utterly hopeless?

Early bird gets messed up

My normal work morning starts around 6:15 with a shower, followed by unnecessary dawdling and girly procedures, gearing up for work to start at 8. Sometimes, due to doctor appts, trips, or other random plans that come up early in the day, I decide to come into work at 6 so I can get off 2 hours early and still get paid for 8 hours. This means getting up at 4:15. (shudder) So today is one of those early days for me. My dad is driving up from the Yosemite area they live by now to visit with me.

As much as I am excited to see him due to recent homesickyness, this does not relate in any way to me functioning with even half my brain capacity this morning. As I finished my shower this morning I decided to do a quick underarm shave, yet instead decided to shampoo my hair with the shaving cream. Luckily I did not proceed with the razor. I also managed to stare in a stupor at the lightswitches in the hallway, trying to figure out why when I hit it there was no light. It took me a good minute to realize I had turned on the patio light and not the living room light. As boring as this account is, it gets worse. On my short 10 minute drive to work, I turned the heater on, wondering why it was taking so long to warm up, finally realizing that A/C does not in fact stand for heat.

I am tempted to drink Mountain Dew to help me wake up, being that coffee lately makes my tummy irritated and does non-wonders to what my doctor has described as a lumpy problem anyway...sure go ahead ruin my self esteem doctor lady. I am trying to make it through one more hour decaffeinated while the urge grows stronger...I know I am going to need it for my late night tonight though and I don't want to OD on caffeine all day. It isn't even 7 yet....Sigh...

Things I giggle about

Things mis-said at work can be very funny. These 3 are the most memorable for some reason...

"How do you smell that?" (Question asked of a customer calling in after we had been talking about flatulence prior to the call)

"It's not our fart." (Talking about the chain of command and how things don't go well and management blames it on a one time glitch over and over.)

"Everywhere you go you take your pantses." (Conversation about dating and the risks involved. I was expecting to hear "off" at the end since we briefly mentioned intimate relationships with bar/club strangers.)

My name is Amber, and I am an addict

The internet has been down all morning at work, almost 4 and a half hours with no messenger, games or websurfing. I am not quite sure how I survived. I tried to do some work but made several futile attempts, played a few rounds of real chess with a co-worker, talked about disney trivia and some embarrassing grade school things. All in all I nearly lost all forms of sanity. It got to the point where said co-worker and I were emailing each other lame little comments, like school girls passing notes and giggling hysterically. I tell you people, it was not a pretty sight. Thank god that we are now connected and I can breathe easily.

Strange me phenomena

Two weird things must have happened last night and neither is explainable, although both together could make for interesting assumptions...

First off, I woke up with no shirt on...this has happened 4 nights in a row now...I don't remember waking up to take it off, yet somehow it is gone in the morning. And secondly I woke up really sore this morning. My arms and legs were achy, as if I had worked out hard the day before, which is not the case. I have not been having sexual dreams (that I can remember at least) and am at a loss for what is going on. As much as it would be romantic...or creepy to think, no one is sneaking in and ravaging me, seeing as I lock my door each night and wake to find it securely locked each morning. Do I have a dream boyfriend I have yet to remember? He must not be very good if I forget that easily.

Appropriately titled "Thinning the Herd"

A man inadvertently shot and killed his 23-year-old son on a hunting trip while the son hid behind a log, holding up a dead squirrel and making barking sounds (even after the son had been warned by the family many times to cut out the pranks) (Galien, Mich., September). And a 25-year-old man who had parked on railroad tracks to scare his girlfriend and then chased after her on foot was killed when he ran back to the car to move it (after hearing a horn) and was crushed by a passing train (Houston, July). And a 19-year-old college student was killed when he slid down a library chute that he thought was for books but which was a garbage chute dumping straight into a compactor (Sewanee, Tenn., October). [Gary Post-Tribune, 9-26-01] [Houston Chronicle, 7-25-01] [The Tennessean, 10-12-01]

This and more at News of the Weird

Open the Floodgates

So I was recently talking about some Christian issues that I was not completely informed on...and now have another tangent on my mind. Let me state for the record I do believe that Jesus is the savior and died for our sins. I do believe in heaven. I don't believe in Hell. I do believe there are many contradictions among religions (duh). I would like to believe in something identical to the scenario in What Dreams May Come. The religious explanations and ideas in this movie couldn't be more perfect for me. However, I do believe in evolution. So being that I do not have a strong religious background I am curious how more devout Christians explain it, or differ in beliefs...or don't believe in it at all...

Productivity

Is it just my work, or does every office have pointless meetings in which the person in charge rambles on about the same thing, saying it 10 different ways, wasting my time and everyone elses, leaving us knowing nothing different from when we went in? My friend and I tried to pass the word to other employees to play the silent game and don't ask questions in an effort to cut things short, but somehow they don't listen. How much are those people in charge getting paid again?

Bleh returns

So I bought this cute little designer phone/answering machine all in one doohickey from Target about 2 months ago. For a week now, the answering machine has been working but the phone hasn't. Everytime I pick up the phone from the cradle to make a call or take one, it goes to a high pitched static within a minute and shuts off. At first I thought it was the phone line, but that can't be since the internet runs through the line and is ok. And then I thought the phone was plugged in loosely and wasn't charging but that isn't the case either. So today I get to call the support number to talk to someone since it says, "STOP! Do not return this to the store. Please call customer support for help." If you have ever had to call a support number or service number, I am sure you are wincing as I am in memory of the wait time and frustration, but due to new efforts to reduce whining, I am going to assume this call will be pleasant and helpful. Let me go laugh deliriously now.

It isn't dandruff

One of my co-workers thought it would be jolly good fun to dump fake snow in my hair, as I sat innocently, for once minding my own business and not provoking anyone. These are seriously big flakes and have decided to cling to my hair no matter how hard I try to get them out. I am not laughing people. I am somehow reminded of my high school and junior high days when everyone would bring shaving cream, whip cream and silly string and attack any person within range. I keep saying that we actually do work here...but I am going to give up on insisting soon.

So that's what is wrong with me

Contradicting coffee

Yay for Monday for once

So now that I am single I actually look forward to work. That slightly scares me. I just had a slightly lonely weekend and did a lot of thinking about who I want to be although I am not sure if I should be wanting to be something different than what I am. Granted I need to go back to school and figure out which career I want to pursue, and I want to go back to kickboxing and get in shape, keeping busy would be a good thing right now. I want to read and write more for myself; I feel I am out of practice at academic related things that I used to take pleasure in. I guess I am more self-conscious about my levels of complaining and my listening skills. I am feeling slightly selfish lately for numerous reasons. Maybe I just need the right person to bring out the better sides of me. That is a good idea. Make it someone elses responsibility. Whoo hoo...I'm crafty.

It's pretty bad when you don't even know why you are crying and it's friday night and you are alone and you are tired but you can't sleep and there are a million things you could be doing but all you want is for someone to hold you and tell you its ok because the world just seems like such a sad place right now. Everyone has their someone and everyone is happy and I used to be and I lost whatever it was that made me happy and now this feeling has washed over me, pulling me under, dragging me down to the depths of something I don't understand, something thinly walking the line of depression, teetering and taunting me. I know I have people to count on but my sense of counting spirit is gone and I am even more upset that I have to reach out to someone to grab their hand and force them to reach for me and the only phone call I have gotten tonight is from the one person I can't count on anymore and everyone else I have called seems to be off, wrapped up in life, while I watch, frozen in a Twilight Zone episode as things move around me and I stand still, invisible to living. I forgot to write down the instructions and in a flood of tears I washed away what I knew, leaving myself no way to remember where the control lies. I am hoping that when my head hits the pillow I'll fall into sleep and forget who I am, and that I am sad and maybe it is just my lack of sleep that is making me the trembling wreck that I am. I'm sick of myself, calling with my soul dripping out of me, heaving my problems onto other people as they turn away, drained, my emotions' current sweeping them away, driving them farther away and if I buy the fake smile in the window I can attract them, make them want me around, my feelings cloaked by the guise of the "I'm good" answer. And I am done bleeding, having poured out everything, I am dry, grasping a small piece of relief which I try to stretch and wrap around myself to keep warm, to keep going, to get up tomorrow with a better attitude. My face feels salty but my storm has receeded and passed over for now in hopes that sunshine will find me in a better disposition in the morning.

Toe-may-to, Toe-motto

So I have become addicted to Caramel Apple Cider from the corporate nightmare that is Starbucks. Not only does Fairuza Balk, or rather her exact look and speak a like work there, but I have noticed a weird phenomenon. Most people say carmel. So is it supposed to be cara-mel? or car-mul? According to this guy you say it like this. But I don't. That's all for now.

If I were a work of art, I would be Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night. I am a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the tumult of the heavens. Objects whirl and flash around me in a fevered haze only partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my isolation. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

Selfish little me

I went to the mall to buy presents for my friends and small circle of friends last night. I was dreading the crowds but surprisingly, considering a packed parking lot, the mall was pretty quiet inside. I want to get my parents a DVD player and scare them with the horrors and complications and wonderment of technology, but I think due to recent unexpected bills I can't really afford it. I thought maybe something nice for their new house would be appropriate, but I was stuck on ideas. The same with friends.

So I bought things for myself because that seemed easier. I got a black shirt and some fuzzy knee highs from The Gap and some apple lotion. I am so selfless. It is just way too easy to find things I want when I am supposed to be shopping for other people. Isn't it?

More drama in roommate land

So as if my girl roommate dating a homeless guy isn't bad enough, my other roommate has taken to bugging the crap out of me. He normally locks me in the laundry room for a minute while he laughs on the other side and taunts me. This has happened a few times and I did it back for the first time monday, letting the door shut and then opening it back up within 5 seconds. Apparently this was grounds for him to be a big brat. I spent a lot of sunday crying and was in a very vulnerable mood on monday. I decided to run to the store monday night and offered to pick up something if he needed anything which he declined.

I left for about 20 minutes and when I got home he had stolen my driveway spot, moving his car deliberately from the street for no other reason than to be a jerk, considering we all cherish the driveway spot and first come first serve is the rule. He then saw me coming up the driveway with arms full of groceries, so he locked the front door. I had to put everything down and fumble for the keys. I was already upset and frustrated and not feeling good. I sarcastically said he was inconsiderate and went to my room. There was vaseline all over my doorknob. I burst into tears being the lame girl I am and was really upset. This was just a bad day. To top it off, as I went out to the kitchen to grab a bottled water, he made fun of me crying, making sniffling noises and saying boo hoo poor Amber. No apology or words relating to his bad timing and maybe he went too far. I was thinking of revenge but I really don't want to start a habit of childishness and let it get more out of control.

To top it off, I went out to the car Tuesday to find it covered in ice, and being as I wasn't in the driveway I couldn't hose it down. Napkins are not good ice removers.

I'd be so styling

Imagine how cool you would be around the office with one of these.

I need a band-aid

I am not feeling like a half, but I need to somehow make myself whole. I created this gaping wound in my heart and my hands just can't cover the pain. It was a mutual thing and for the best but it just hurts. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been your best friend, confidante, lover, the first person you call with good news or bad, the one who spent everyday with you in the hospital and helped you do things when you couldn't manage for yourself? It isn't really that anyone is to blame, it's just that we need to grow and make changes in our lives and being together was hindering that. I felt like I was mothering too much and he wanted that whole devotion and adoration of a high school relationship. I just can't be like that right now. I need my own space and life. I need to be able to see my friends and have some "me" time. I guess after almost a year I start thinking of the future. I am FAR from wanting to live with someone or "settle down" but it is nice to think that the relationship IS going somewhere.

My dad's favorite analogy is that of a lock and key. Each part needs to function and work on its own. When put together each one does its part to make the relationship work. Sometimes the key just doesn't fit the lock, or the lock is sticky and it just doesn't work smoothly. Regardless, I really do care for the boy and I am saddened it didn't work. I don't regret loving him and spending time with him. I have learned a lot of things about who I am and what I want. He has also helped me to grow in different ways, be more open-minded and active in thinking and analyzing the world around me. I am just hurting right now to have to let go. The right thing most times is not the easy thing. However I am smart enough to know you can't just stay with someone to avoid the pain of not being with them. And so begins the slow and tedious healing...

No kittie! That's a bad kittie!

The cat is meowing again, that sickening whiny meow like a baby. Ah roommates and their flaws. I'm going up to Berkeley tonight for a mini concert. Only band I know of is Dealership but I assume the others will be good or at least tolerable. I'm not quite sure how I am going to fair until one in the morning when it ends. I am hoping my party pooper self stays away tonight. I think I'm gonna get drunk on red bull before I go.

Work was rather fun today. My friend and I volunteered to clean the kitchen that our 50 some odd employees use. We got to throw everything away in the fridges which I was super gleeful about. Quite the lame one, I am. Candi managed to knock, the now full of fridge yuckies, garbage can over all over the floor. We were busting up so hard we were crying over spilt garbage. Within a few minutes we had a crowd in the doorway laughing too. Oh it was a site to see. Proof that too much work results in delerium. On the same note one of my co-workers was on a call with a client who farted. And much to our comic relief he had it on tape. We laughed over that for quite awhile...and I am bragging about this...sigh

Homesickyness

I woke up this morning longing for my mother's touch during the holidays. Every year she spends about a week dragging out the Christmas paraphernalia and sprinkling holiday warmth all over our house with nativity scenes, holly and ivy on most surfaces, and miniature decorated trees in each room. She takes small mirrors and surrounds them with cotton, making little ice skating ponds with figures. I would always tease her and in addition, taking for granted the work she put into making our house a real "home" full of spirit for my dad, her and I. She goes all out and makes our house feel like a house should during the holidays: warm, inviting, smells of pine in the air, apple cider and a book and a blanket in front of a fire. All these images were floating around in my head this morning. When I went to visit my parents for Thanksgiving in their new home, she had started the decorating there. I felt slightly out of place looking around at the lights; this wasn't the house I was used to and it didn't seem like the familiar feeling I get around Christmas. I do have some decorations which I need to put out and at least give some sort of holiday glow to my room. I suppose its up to me now to surround myself in something that gets me in the holiday mood. As November is now turning into December, it is really sinking in that the things I was used to for the first 22 years of my life just won't ever be the same. I will be visiting them for Christmas and I am sure things will be lovely and warm, but it can never be how it was. I've been told by friends that eventually you get used to being independent and the home sickness wears away. I just hope I don't forget how special it was growing up in such a loving home, created with such care.

And so now I sit at work, reminiscing and listening to John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. I feel like wallowing a bit.

So true, don't ask how I know

People can be witty over IM. People can be charming over IM. People can not be hot over IM. "I can tell by your clever use of italics and your intermittent 'lol'ing that you have a nice ass." Hey buddy - those yellow happy faces may be cute, but they're not quite accurate.

An excerpt from 100 things you should know about college at College Humor.

Keep track of your money, literally

So I just went to Jamba Juice to grab a smoothie and upon getting change noticed one of my bills was stamped. I vaguely recall that defacing money is illegal but I digress. The bill says, "Where has this bill been? Where will it go next? Please enter the serial # at Wheres George. I am sorta skeptical. Anyone know if I have reason to be? The site looks interesting enough. Just some nice person who set up a free site so you can see all the places the dollar has been and recieve updates through email on where it has gone next. I have yet to enter my bills due to paranoia that this is somehow a scheme lurking under an innocent guise. So I would like some other sucker...I mean er..um..daring, adventurous person to do it first and let me know if is safe. No there are no rewards or prizes other than my trust and respect. I bet you are all going to scurry off and do it now.

Bathroom shy

The scenario is that there are exactly 20 women in my office including me. The women's restroom has 2 stalls. Every day, all day long, at any given time, at least one of these women will be in the restroom. I do not understand how this relates to the laws of physics or bladders. I can count the number of times that the bathroom has been empty upon my arrival on my fingers; that is how low it is. The reason this sucks is that I am too shy to go to the bathroom when someone else is in there. I wasn't like this before, and I don't know what sparked it, but I am seeking solutions and/or therapy... The other sucky part is that being the whiner I am, I mentioned this dilemma to a few people at work. Bad idea. So now everyone teases me and will deliberately follow me to the bathroom. This is rather disturbing when you consider the implications and intentions of people who want to hear you go to the bathroom. Any plausible solutions or suggestions?

Music TV? You are kidding right?

I got the goods this weekend finally after suffering withdrawal from MTV. But it isn't even entertaining anymore. I guess it hasn't been for awhile. All that is on is Rap, R&B and Shakira. I am so sick of that girl's video and I have only had access for 3 days. Did they lose all their Aguilera/Spears/Simpson/NSync tapes? Scarily enough I am praying Britney will come on. What is the message here? Yes Shakira is attractive, but the song and lyrics are horrid, as is the video. She shakes her hips and butt and talks about her breasts being small or something. She crawls in mud and does some more provocative dancing. I just don't get it and apparently MTV assumed I wouldn't get it, so they play it every hour on the hour to help me understand. Bastards.

Harass me too then

I can't believe something like this can get you in trouble like this with the Secret Service.

Noise infested morning

In addition to the cat meowing its head off this morning, even though we left it outside to avoid this annoying awakening...yes we are mean roommates...a helicopter came into our neighborhood around 6:30. As I got ready I kept hearing it get closer and than farther away. I started to think of why it would be hovering around for so long. Maybe someone robbed a store and is on the run. Maybe there was a bad accident and they have to life the people out by helicopter. Maybe it is reporting traffic on the freeway. This is scary. Maybe a terrorist act has happened and they are doing aerial surveillance. For almost an hour and a half that helicopter hovered nearby and I remained in a fascinated panicky state. I left the house and was ever so thrilled that my car had iced over and I had to spray it down, and there, among nearby trees I saw the helicopter suspended in mid-air. As I pulled out of the driveway and neared the location I noticed it was over the Home Depot that is being built. For a moment I thought maybe the rescue theory was right, until I noticed the large block hanging from a rope on the bottom of the chopper. They were using it to help them build. At 6:30 in the morning. I was less than thrilled...nothing exciting ever happens anymore...actually I think I prefer it that way.

To quote?

Who came up with the expression "Cool Beans"? I say that all the time and it really doesn't make much sense. What does it really mean? The beans were hot? Beans are cool in general? To have ones beans cooled is a good thing?

I'd like to be, under the sea

Whenever I used to say, "I'm bored," my mother would always reply, "Only boring people are bored." Now everytime I say that, I hear my mother's nagging little voice in my ear. I'm not boring! It's just that even when I have stuff to do I still feel bored. I am not in an excited state or anticipating something cool. Most times I am at home, avoiding reading, tv, video games, and lacking friends to talk/hang out with you. It is almost as if I prefer to whine about how bored I am rather than actually do something. Pretty pathetic. And in other related patheticness my mind is all hazy and this is all I can think about for the moment. Actually I do sound pretty boring. Disregard all previous info.

Say Wha?

So I go in the fridge to get a glass of milk at my parent's house to go with a heavenly scented piece of pie...and all they have is WHOLE MILK! Who actually drinks that still? Who are these people and where are my real health freak parents? I am literally in shock. You think you know someone, especially your parents and then they go and do the absurd and unheard of.

As for the rest of my weekend...hmm let's recap. I left work at 2pm to make the 3 hour trek down toward Fresno and then up toward Yosemite to the boonies where my parents have chosen to reside in their retirement. The drive took 5 hours...in the dark...in the rain...with a million other people, moving along at 2 car lengths per 10 minute time span. It was nice and windy over the pass which is always a thrill trying to get the car to stick to a wet road around turns with "gusty winds for the next 10 miles." Whee! Joy! So after that long in the car, I felt like Homer in that episode where he falls asleep and his car turns into a bed and he is draggin along a fence behind him.

I have to say that Thanksgiving was quiet and pleasant. We stuffed ourselves and then drove to the next boonie town over and wandered around the only store open, Rite-Aid for an hour and a half. My parents don't get out much as they found this super exciting and proceeded to drag me down each aisle, oohing and aahing over what can fairly be called "crap." It was sadly amusing to me that they have such gusto for Rite-Aid. My Dad, being the kid that he is, wanted to go see Monsters Inc and was excited to use me as an excuse, his partner in crime as he affectionately calls me. We had our pick of any seat in the theater that sat maybe 30 people tops. No surround sound or THX here folks. The rents enjoyed the film, as did I the second time around...and the cutest part is that both Mom and Dad were all teary at the end. That is so cute to me for some reason.

Today we boutiqued and antiqued the Christmas paraphernalia, watched The Grinch with Jim Carrey, and now I am bored, as I was last night. Pretty much once the sun goes down there isn't much to do, save for watch TV or movies and play on the internet. I brought books but I am just not motivated to read. I could go to bed but I'm not tired. Basically I am craving to do all the things I know that are impossible to do right now. I want my PS2. I want to go to a club. I want to run out for coffee. I think the closest thing open right now would be down in Fresno, a 30 minute drive. At least I am trekking back tomorrow and will becomforted by familiarities. I love my parents and get homesick, but once I am here I get homesick for my place. That whole grass is always greener deal. I do not like the boonies...I much prefer Goonies. I do not like them Sam I am........um yeah I've lost it...It must be bedtime... Hope ya'll had a nice holiday.

Thankfulness

As I was driving to work today the holiday really hit me and I know what I am most thankful for. There was an ambulance driving with its sirens and lights on going the opposite way on the freeway in the exact location I crashed in April. I started to tear up a little and noticed my knuckles were white since my grip on the wheel had intensified. This has happened before. A month ago I was on my way to Berkeley to wander around Telegraph, and I ran into a bit of traffic. The cause finally became visible. A new VW Passat was lying upside down on a small bridge over the streets below. There were no paramedics there yet, not police or any officials. I was in the far lane, tempted to pull over and help or at least comfort the person in the car...and then I lost it. I had a small panic attack and started to shake and cry profusely. I could barely see the road as hot tears flooded my eyes and cheeks. Luckily I had the boy to calm me down, as I could see the nervousness in his eyes that this nerve-wracked girl was behind the wheel, driving, doing what she most feared at that moment.

I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful I have fully recovered and have my health. And I am also thankful to love and be loved by family and friends.

In my short drive this morning I did a lot of reflecting. There was a girl in high school that I was friends with. I met her in summer school before my sophmore year as she was going to be a freshman and she became more than an aquaintence but not quite a best friend. Karen was the kind of girl who didn't really have a group. She flitted back and forth between people and remained friends with everyone, bridging gaps between cliques. Karen was friends with the "popular group," the normal kids, the nerds, the trenchcoat hill people, the music geeks. You could see all these different parts to her. She just had this glow about her, like she knew the secret. She knew how to be happy and share that with everyone. You were lucky to be friends with Karen. Her presense was quiet and gentle but she never lacked friendliness or a smile. She always seemed to know how to make someone feel better. She truly cared for people and was as selfless as a person can be. There aren't many people out there that have such qualities and are as genuine. As we went through high school our friendship faded but we always kept in touch and hung out once in awhile. I didn't hear as much from her when I graduated as things between us had drifted apart.

Awhile back at the local coffee shop in my high school town I overheard a conversation between the co-workers about a funeral. I heard the name Karen. I asked which Karen it was and found out it was my Karen. Apparantly Karen had fallen ill rather suddenly. The doctors weren't sure what was wrong with her and couldn't get a proper diagnoses. She fell into a coma and there was little chance she would live or if she did there would be severe brain damage. Eventually it was determined she had spinal menegitis. She passed away and with her passed that special light she had touched so many people with. The coffee girls said that the turnout at her funeral was huge. All those people had wanted to say goodbye to such a special person who had managed to touch everyones life. I wish I had the chance to tell her how much she meant to me and to so many others. I think she knew somehow that what she did in befriending people meant much more.

I am saddened that she is no longer with us and in light of the holiday realize how fortunate it is that I am.

I'm gonna toss cookies

This is not art in my book in any way.
Link snagged from Jill

Ah the not so joyous youth of America

Went to see Weezer last night with Jimmy Eat World and Tenacious D. Before I give the scoop on the show I must share the excitement first.

I MET MARIA! She has been a long time online friend of the boy and I but we haven't ever met up. So last night while standing in line, who should appear before our eyes? A miniature sleigh....No! Maria! So she is as cool as I thought and it was super duper rad and very surreal to actually meet someone who I thought lived only in the computer. She is a real life person and she is funny and fantastical and kept yelling at ogres blocking the view in front of us.

The actual concert....hmmm..I do not like being around 16 yr olds who don't wear deodarant and are loud and obnoxious and too tall to see around. Jimmy Eat World was awesome and I really like their sound and energy on the stage. Tenacious D...I couldn't see the whole time but I heard he was funny up there. Problem is I only like the Wonderboy song. Everything else they do I can't take seriously, as their lyrics are straight from the "potty humor" section. I just was sorta grossed out and not that impressed. I don't like the fuck her softly song, nor hearing cocksucker and anus in any song...that is just me. I am not a prude but I prefer more fun and upbeat music. I guess I am not that weird. Weezer was awesome! I like seeing a band perform live although they don't move around much they had a few killer lines. Like after the first song he says, " Thanks biotches." They are just very straight performers which is I guess their nerdy characteristic appeal. Any who I would have prefered a seat over tip toeing the whole time to see over people. I suppose going to a concert requires that perfect excited mood. I was too pooped out from Disneyland and not mentally geared for a concert I think. Oh well I still have Tori.

Yeah baby

Drivers who aren't me suck

I doubted my vision before, knowing I am obligated by my driver's license to wear my nerd glasses otherwise everything is semi-fuzzy. But I have now realized that my vision is inherently better than many many people who I share the freeway with daily. See all these people have failed to notice that car pool means MORE THAN ONE PERSON in the car. Either that or they can't make out the hours. Lately I would say 99% of the people speeding down the carpool lane are idiots who don't follow the rules. This pisses me off immensely as I am too chicken of astronomical fines from our local friendly policemen, and apparently these people are thrillseekers...or visually challenged. Either way I am now the self proclaimed bestest driver ever! Minus the car accident...and the fender bender...oh yeah and that time I spun out...ok disregard all that and just blindly believe I am the bestest driver ever.

Must wake up, must wake up

I am so tired and worn out...but the weekend was so fun! The weather was nice and the parks weren't very crowded and as expected Disney gives off that excited little kid feeling...oh yeah, they also give off that I just walked for 12 hours straight and my feet and thighs hurt and are going to fall off and I get to do it all over again because I never come here and gosh darn it I am going to enjoy myself even if I can't walk for the next few days without gimping it. So it was fun!

And I saw Harry Potter last night! Yay! It was really good and exactly what I imagined while reading the books. I loved the music too...I was waiting for credits, betting on Danny Elfman or John Williams, of which it was the latter. Does it remind anyone else of Batman? It sounds like some other theme but I can't place it. Anywho the film was excellent and really exciting and intriguing and excellently cast.
I was sorta dissapointed I didn't get to see Amelie...I had mapped out directions to a theater in LA that had it and we drove to see it thursday but yahoo maps failed me as the theater was no where to be found. The directions were totally wrong and there isn' anywhere nearby home that has it...boo hoo...

Whoo hoo

It's time to go! Amber you just got off work...what are you going to do?
Amber replies, "I'm going to Disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well after I wash the car, dye the hair, pack my crap, and sleep. THEN....I'm going to Disneyland!!!

Aawww pooey

I jinxed myself with all this wonderful day bragging. I just spilt my lunch all over the floor in the kitchen, proving once again I am klutzy. Off to get yucky food...

Oh but wait...I have pigtails...ha ha ha. It IS funny. Seriously, it is funny.

And she talks to glasses

I think saying I am slightly excited about leaving for Disneyland tomorrow is an understatement. This morning as I cheerfully wandered around the house while the rest of the bay area groggily stumbled out of bed I had Pirates of the Caribbean on the brain. As I proceeded to put a few glasses in the cupboard I lost it and started talking out loud, "Aarrgghh mateys, get ye glasses back to the cupboard." Yeah...just a little too excited.
I also am dying my hair tonight and didn't want to have to shower hair products out before dying to then get in shower again and rinse dye...only hair dyers relate, so I went for pigtails, which considering I have shoulder length hair look really funny. So I am sitting at work in green dickie overalls with pigtails feeling like a 5 year old that mommy dressed up, or even worse...an older rejected Olsen twin. Oooo the horror.

Today seems really good so far...the sun was shining and everything is in its right place. I came into work and realized someone had taped all my hi-liters together with a whole roll of tape which took me about 10 minutes to finally undo. The natural reaction ensued...I wanted revenge (playful revenge that is.) So I consulted with the local office instigator who helps in these dire times of need, as we play pranks a lot at work...and um yeah...we work too...we do! I swear.
So revenge today was pretty sweet...I ripped small pieces of paper and taped them over all the keys on his keyboard. Then I proceeded to write the alphabet in order over all the keys. Hehe, his face was sorta shocked and amused when he came in. Then he told me an old co-worker stopped by yesterday while I was gone and he was the one who taped my hi-liters...Oops...But come on it was a good prank.

Today is bad, tomorrow will be worse

I know, so negative. It is always this way when I am waiting for an event; time goes into slow motion and everything is dreary and boring. I am sitting hear drinking Mountain Dew to stay awake and its normal wonders are failing me. I thought wearing my yellow british print Docs would cheer me up today but they've backed out on me too. I have busy work to do but no motivation, influenced by the laziness of my co-workers as well. I've been playing yahoo pool but I am now burnt out and my online buddies aren't around to chitty chat. I would read but if we aren't staring at the computer it looks like we aren't working...if only they knew. I bought The Tin Drum awhile back and am dying to read it. Holocaust movies, books, documentaries and such fascinate me. And no I am not morbid. Well I do work here...maybe I am...

Cheesey fun

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.

Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

Aspiring photographer

Yeah I know...with a title like that you are expecting pics and I promise them soon. The digital camera has inspired this awareness of simplistic visuals around me that are now fascinating...like anything to do with the sky and fog and rain lately, misty layers rolling in like a blanket. I am thinking like a camera lately and therefore appear as a tourist, camera in hand with sunglasses and a fanny pack ready to go. Maybe not to the extreme... I am so tempted to take pictures while driving but have submitted to better judgement and refrained ...I am going picture crazy but I need to figure out photoshop to make smaller files so I can host and post more efficiently...
I'm starting to think about a photojournal too...I feel all foolishly artst fartsy passionate.

Way too funny for your own good

10 Tips for Women Who's Ascared
of Getting Stuck With A Loser

Sorta suits me

According to the personality test I am a

HEALER
(Submissive Extrovert Concrete Feeler )
Like just 9% of the population you are a HEALER (SECF)-- caring, good with people, and patient. You are completely selfless and full of love. As a concrete feeler, you do well with your emotions, which are very strong. You understand and appreciate *why* you feel the way you do, and for the most part you're at peace with yourself.

Suffering in the world really pisses you off.

In relationships, it's easy for you to get hurt. Avoid all kinds of dominant (D***) people, *especially* in dating or marriage. You are a motherly figure, even if you're a guy. If you're a girl, make sure you're a mom some day. The world's children need people like you. If you're a guy, don't even think about it. Most pedophiles are HEALERS.

On the rare occasions when you try to assert yourself, you're cute and awkward, but highly effective.

I'd have to say it is pretty accurate...I am fond of the last bit...cute and awkward...but they forgot klutzy...I would hope it is endearing though...like in What Dreams May Come when Annie stumbles walking down the aisle on the wedding day...that is so Amber. So what are ya'll?

Maybe/Maybe Not

Life is a game and True Love is a trophy...I think I am starting to like Rufus Wainwright He opened for Tori and he was pretty good...very nice presence and his music spoke for itself. He, like Tori is a very passionate singer and you can feel his music through his voice and lyrics.

Tori was just awesome...the show was amazing. The woman can play one keyboard, while reaching blindly behind her and playing the grand with her other hand. Amazing...no words or way to explain how incredible the show was last night. The mood and lighting was beautiful, yet didn't distract from her. I felt like she was so focused and involved in her music that she had blocked the audience out...like we were witnessing this heartfelt performance as voyeurs. The woman oozes passion.

Whoo hoo

I am going to see Tori in a few hours and.......drum roll.....I bought a Digital Camera.....Fujifilm 2600 with 3X Optical zoom...so awesome and I haven't ever had a good camera...I felt the need to splurdge for my Disney trip coming up this week...I am so stoked and so bragging..Here is me in my Nerd Glasses

Yay for weekends

Right about now I am desperately looking forward to the end of the work week. Anywho this weekend promises to be eventful. Tonight we are going to see The Man Who Wasn't There followed by a friend's party tonight. I am going to catch a WTO Protest in the bay area tomorrow, as the boy and are learning more and more about why they are evil and sadly most people go, "WTO? What is that?" And yet another party of a friend saturday night...I am not a party girl I swear. I drink lightly here and there...just for some reason there are parties this weekend. I can still count all the parties (if you can call them that) on my fingers. Go Amber you big party animal. Sunday I am catching up with a friend who just got back from Hawaii and we get to have quality girl time, gossip included. And sunday night I get to go see Tori Amos. Whoo hoo! I am stoked...Oh yeah...I plan on doing boring laundry and cleaning too...if there is time. Gotta have my priorities straight after all. All I want right now is some tylenol and a nap. Nothing could beat that out at this moment.

Poor Prince Charles

Attacked by flowers

Should I or shouldn't I

I have been wanting this tattoo since 96 when I first saw it. However I have not yet mustered up the guts to go do it because I keep thinking I might regret it later in life. So for 5 years now I have gone with friends to get tattoos and sat in contemplation, biting my nails, on the verge of getting the tattoo, and always chickening out. I want it on my right shoulderblade and the picture I have at home was from an art class is a lot more detailed and focused. I am so torn on wanting this but being afraid of becoming a wrinkly old woman someday who is embarrassed of her little pixie tattoo whim...well 5 years isn't a whim...I want it so bad! But will I regret it? Gggrrr! I am impossible.

Listless

My office is depressing. There is no sunshine. All the blinds are drawn, leaving me in perpetual fake light and thoughts of darkness enshrouding the building outside. My eyes are slowly fading into florescent lighted spheres. I am numb and feel disoriented. Things are blurry and concentration is impossible. I feel like I am floating somehow and I can't anchor my mind down to my body. The chair seems to be sprouting vines, intertwining into my flesh and making me part of the surroundings. My fingers welded to the keys, eyes transfixed on the screen, the weight of drudgery on my shoulders. No one seems to take notice that work is slowly killing me.

More than meets the eye

Now this is a Halloween costume

The adventures of...

I have been rollerblading now almost every weekday. This is what happens when I go rollerblading almost everytime:

Body: No! No! Not again! Why do you torture me so?
Brain: Body, we do this every day. You should be used to it by now.
Body: It hurts still. This sucks.
Brain: Well the more you do this the easier it will get.
Body: No! I want immediate gratification. (Big words for Body)
Brain: You need to have patience. You are going to love yourself more in the end.
Body: Immediate gratification!
Brain: We are doing this every day whether you like it or not. You need to get in shape.
Body: Why do I have to do what you say?
Brain: Because I am in charge.
Body: I hate you Brain!
Brain: There, there. Shut up Body.

Riddle

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil,
The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

10 thousand Whose Line points to the first person who gets it

Tee hee

All About Sharks

Game Dork

I am so excited because Ecco the Dolphin is coming to PS2. This game was so cool and more girly on Sega and now they are updating the Dreamcast one for PS2. I am also thinking of snagging Simpsons Road Rage and Okage. Normally, Simpson games suck and don't do justice to the greatness of the show. This one had potential however in the stylings of Crazy Taxi. And Okage is said to be Tim Burtonesque and more of an "easy play."I sadly admit I am not the best dorkiest gamer around so easier games are easier on my feeble mind. I feel like Rex in Toy Story 2 when he says something to the effect of, "My arms are too short. I can't hit jump and fire at the same time" Well maybe not the arms part...or maybe that is it...after all i do have freakishly small midget hands as Maria would say. So where to buy...I am dissapointed with Fry's stock lately. Who has the biggest bestest video game selection? You know, cuz I really need to be spending more money on things I so desperately don't need.

Um-kay

Why would you do this when you obviously have a ton of money?

I am the Secret Secret-Master

Ok well not anymore I suppose...I am stuck between a rock and hard place to be cliche. One of my roommates works at a "nice" homeless shelter and has taken a fancy to a gentleman who is 10 yrs her senior(she is 22.) So this homeless guy who is her client, has been over my house on friday and sunday and now last night. She can get fired for dating him, not to mention she has no clue about what this guy is really like. He has a curfew of 7:30 which I thought was good...BUT he can leave at 2 am. So guess what I hear at 2:15 last night, waking me out of slumber. Her and said guy giggling and going to her room.

The catch here is that our other roommate does not know this guy is homeless. He thinks that she just works with him and started dating him. If he did know he would freak out and give her crap and not let him in our house most likely. Here is where I became the secret keeper. She told me the truth and told me not to tell my roommate. Sigh...

I don't know how to handle this because I feel uncomfortable with this guy being in my house. I feel insecure about my safety and I hate to judge because he could be a nice guy, but yet I can't stop feeling paranoid. I am worried about her safety too, and if nothing else that he may hold her job over her. Worst fear is that she will let him mooch and move in. How do I tell her who she can and can't hang out with or have over. I mean she pays rent too.

My main concern here is for my roommate. She is a cute girl, very smart and well read, super funny and really cool to be around. I think she can do way better and it concerns me that she has picked this guy. Someone who doesn't have much to offer really that I can see. He doesn't really come-off as her type and unfortunately my little mind has labled him as white trash. Not to mention she is young and in school and he is 10 yrs older with not much in common. I want her to be happy though ultimately.

So now I don't know if I should tell her I feel uncomfortable, or if I should spill the beans to my other roommate and clue him in. If he finds out I knew and didn't tell him, he will feel like he can't trust me with important things going on in our house. Yet if I tell him then I betray her trust. I feel icky about all this. I used to think my living situation was perfect before friday. Help me?

Creepy singing child

This singing child is just too creepy, and yet really amusing.

Yucky Mondays

I suppose there is no way around monday because if you eliminated it, then whatever day you finally go back to work would feel like Monday, or whatever name you call that day. Maybe we should just eliminate work alltogether. Besides we are only productive Tuesday-Thursday. Monday is spent recovering from the weekend and Friday is spent anticipating the weekend. I digress...
I saw Monsters Inc on friday. We had to go to the 11 o clock show since all others were sold out. This worked so well for me because I don't really like movie watching with a ton of misbehaved children. I am one of those people who wants complete concentration on the movie with no crying, screaming, running the aisles, loud popcorn munching, ringing cell phones/beepers, talking on cell phones (this is the worst overall), kicking my chair, or innappropriate laughter at non funny jokes. Yes I am picky. So the movie was really really cute/funny/witty. I was dissapointed in Shrek (thought the story was too easy, there wasn't much challenge/journey and the jokes weren't that funny; I had hyped it up so much and was anticipating it and just didn't get what I expected) and was worried that this latest CG movie wouldn't meet up to par. It did and surpassed. I was giggling like crazy and was even touched to tears at certain parts, as was the boy, and no he isn't a wimpy sappy boyfriend who cries at everything, therefore the tears were well deserved. Pixar definately has a good track record going in my eyes. Plus there is a short called For the Birds which I have adored for the last year that finally aired before Monsters. Maybe I am on a roll and will actually like the movies I go see now.

The Happiest Place on Earth

I am going to Disneyland the weekend after next(15-19)! Yay! Yay! Yay! For those of you like my boy who have not been to Disneyland, it is somewhere you have to go to understand how great and happy it really is. I am so excited to take the boy. See Disneyland was sorta geared toward little kids, but it is one of those little kid things that is still cool no matter how old you are. You hold hands there and giggle and run to the next ride and everything is exciting and wonderous(slightly over-commercialized but eh what are you going to do). There are amazing fireworkds everynight and for a short period of time you regain, what feels like, your childhood. Not to mention that all the employees are super happy and nice. It is sorta refreshing compared to retail drones who hate their jobs. And there is no litter in Disneyland. I don't know how they do it but the streets are generally immaculate. My secret theory is there are little tiny gnomes who run out and gather trash so quickly you don't see them. So we are going to Disneyland for 2 fun-filled days and 3 starry nights...along with 2 days allotted for driving and I am so thrilled I can hardly wait.

Tonight in the Bay Area

Tonight the boy and I are going to see Hans von Sponeck talk about peace in Iraq. Seems sorta interesting and I have been feeling politically naive lately so here is a step.

Slap me silly

I have been having one of THOSE days. And weeks...actually about 3 weeks now. I am over stressed and I don't know why. This is round two of living on my own and it used to be that my parents were the root of my stress. I have been in my current place now since Sept 1st and feel closer and better about my parents now. Heck I even miss them and get homesick now. My job is semi-stressful lately but not enough to warrant the way I have been.

Example: There are a few people at work, who when addressing issues at a meeting or talking to me one on one, produce this phrase in my head, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms, forcing me to keep my thoughts in my head and not let them hit my lips. This mantra repeats over and over until they finally do stop blabbering.

I feel over irritated by so many things lately and it carries over into me dropping things, running into things and messing things up, followed by the expected cussing in frustration at the situation. I don't know how or when I got to be like this. Normally I am perky and happy and optimistic. I think I need to go back to kickboxing to vent my stress on the punching bag, but I need to wait until december for my pelvis to be ok.

Most people get upset when they feel they have no control over events in their life. And I am (was?) a strong believer that no matter what you have control over your attitude. You can be a martyr and fall into self pity, or you can slap a smile on and try to actively solve problems and make things better. Lately I just feel like I can't control myself. I always try to think before reacting or saying something I will regret, but I can't remember how to breathe and calm myself anymore. I am feeling at a loss on ideas in how to shrug off my current status as a self loathing bitchy girl. Maybe it is just that I am justified in thinking there are too many stupid people out there annoying me. Show me how to mute the world.

Randomisms

Stupid thoughts

• Burger King had/has Halloween Simpsons Light up toys but I only found 5 of the 15
  
• It is impossible to find a recent picture of Peter Billingsley, the little Ralphie boy from Christmas Story
  
• Budgeting and trying to save money is not easy, it is in fact, very very hard (duh)
  
• Fat People are Harder to Kidnap (my new bumper sticker which is not PC at all)
  
• My fish tried to nibble my hand off the other day when I was fixing their plant...hence fish always think they are hungry and will eat food until they burst...they are not smart
  
• A frog can throw up his stomach and then scoops the contents out with its front legs
  
• I apparently have no life...er rather... I do not work when I should be
  

For shits and giggles

This is the funniest take on Eminem, Dre and Snoop's songs. The Dear Girl one cracks me up time after time.

So sleepy...need caffeine

Last night was so awesome. Castro was packed and the costumes were so creative and elaborate. I got the biggest dose of drag queens and have realized gay men are super duper skilled with costumes. And the most unoriginal outfit idea...50 million britney spears/catholic school girl wannabes who then had the nerve to complain, "Ew guys are being so gross and rude." Um...what did they expect with their boobs and asses hanging out. Then there was the other oh so tiny chested and shocked and surprised girl who had tape in Xs over her nipples. She was irritated that people came up to her. Gee imagine that. The best costume I saw was a lady who had made a huge shirt and her face was poking out the middle with huge fake arms cradled around her head, remniscent of Geena Davis in Beetlejuice. There was also this huge robot costume guy with his girl in matching garb that was really impressive. Can't wait to scan see see all those guys in drag.

I think it was a good day

So I won the Halloween costume contest at work and got a $10 gift certificate to Blockbuster. Now I can rent all those foreign films I've been meaning to catch up on. I don't think my outfit is overly impressive but it is sorta cool. I just wish more people had dressed up so I felt more deserving over the competition.

Four people have now told me I should dye my hair black. This was directly after figuring out I am wearing a wig and this is not my natural hair. I think if I visited my mom with black hair she would be more upset than she was when she saw the magenta/pink/red hair. Strange reasoning...but she thinks dying your hair black means you are evil are something.

Tonight I am going up the Castro district in San Francisco and I am sorta nervous for a few reasons.

1. I am worried that in the mass crowd my wings will get broken/smushed
   
2. I am worried it will be cold and I can't wear a jacket over my wings
   
3. I am worried it will be too crowded and I will get cranky
   
4. I am worried my shoes will be too uncomfortable and I will have to wear non-matching shoes or sacrifice comfort for glam ( only girls understand this difficult choice)
   
5. I am worried about terrorist crap because the media has brainwashed and scared me...they distinctly warned about going to crowded areas like Castro
   

However I do not have any other ideas of where to go and I am bent on seeing drag queens and lots of people in costume and this is the biggest street party around...For those who don't know, Castro is the rainbow district of San Fran and it gets pretty wild. I am going to cross my little fingers and hope all goes well and is fun.

All things Snoopy

I don't know why but I find Snoop Dogg so so so funny and President Bush being funny is a given. The man never makes a normal face.
And his counterpart

I am now a hypocrite complaining before about middle east jokes.

Uuughhhh

Someone in my office keeps squeezing a squeeky toy. This has been going on since 8 this morning at an average of 3 or 4 squeezes every 10 minutes. It is so so annoying and it is very high pitched. Every time she does it she giggles and asks her neighbor, "Am I bothering you? Hee hee. You know you like it." This is one of those things someone does over and over to get attention and see when someone else will eventually explode into a yelling frenzy like I am about to.

Two good things

I am the fallen angel today...I feel so gosh darn sultry sassy and purty...and dark....oooo mysterious.

My computer is in my room and all set up and is so awesome...60 gigs and Windows XP...I am a happy clam..or a happy angel...or just plain happy

I am slowly updating the poetry site
Tedious stuff

Isn't he a catch

Ha ha ha

Bridges are tricky

There is this bridge on the campbell park levee area that I cross over everytime I go rollerblading which is wooden and has annoying slats my wheels catch on. Everytime I carefully grab the railing and half walk/half rollerblade across...and everytime I fall or nearly fall. Back in the pre-accident days I could speed over this bridge and the momentum would keep my wheels from snaging and I wouldn't be scared and my adrenaline wouldn't be racing through my veins. Now when I go over the bridge I look ridiculous, holding the railing for dear life like a child holds their mother's hand in fear. In a near fall yesterday the wood railing saved me but left me with a nasty splinter which took 15 minutes under the knife, with my shaky left hand to remove. I am thinking of starting a petition to pave the bridge or replace the wood with some smooth alternative I can conquer.

Halloween Final Hint

Seeing as it is tomorrow...Black dress with black wings and a black wig and a HALO...dead giveaway...

Ummm

I am not sure if this is good or bad. It certainly classifies as troubling all around.

Yay for parents who have money

As promised when my parents moved away and I moved out: I could either take the old computer with me OR wait a month or 2 and daddy would bring me a shiny new computer. So I have been patiently anticipating the arrival of my new PC and...(drum roll) It will be here tomorrow, equipped with its 2 new companions: desk and chair. Yes this lovely trio of friends will be appearing live, in my room tomorrow around 2:30, and each day thereafter. That is PST for you excited east coasters. I can hardly wait. I am so stoked that I think I may have gained geek status. Granted I am not that savvy but it is way better than the computer we had before and it is NEW and it was virtually FREE.

Another let down

K-Pax was just no good. The plot was lame and the humor was definately lacking. I normally like Kevin Spacey's movies. He did a good job with the acting but the script was just yucky and the twists were not very well explained or thought out.

Donnie Darko on the other hand was the best film I have seen in a long time. The plot kept you on the edge of your seat. It had a great cast and numerous funny tag lines. I didn't know what to expect and went to see it on a whim and I am so glad I did. The ending left us with gaping mouths. It explained but not extensively and for once that was nice, to be able to speculate and discuss a movie and not leave feeling clueless. This reminds me of one of those little sci-fi ish cult following movies. Excellent and creative and brilliant...enough already...just go see it.

Yay for music

I saw Bis wednesday night and it was so awesome. This is the band that does the theme song for Power Puff Girls. I somehow stumbled upon them because they had a cool cd cover and back when I was first out of high school I worked at a cd store and we would crank up random cd's at closing, testing the merchandise. I've been a fan through their ever changing sound.
The venue was really small and intimate and besides being an all ages show which means immature kids still in high school whose actions scream exhibitionists...it was an enjoyable concert. I met Manda the lead singer and took a pic with her and was even winked at twice by Steve during the performance. The sound really came together well. Vocals could be heard over the music which would seem to be standard but in case of small venues usually the music drowns out the voices. Too bad that Bis only comes here like once every 2 years, granted they are from Glasgow, Scotland, but it still sucks they are never around.
I also found a cool new band: Dealership who has the sound I always look for but can never find. You know that poppy punky sing along type of music with thoughtful lyrics.

Ha ha ha

This is funny. No offense Maria

MIA

I wasn't around to blog my boring little heart out yesterday due to a day of destressing that was needed very badly. I have been having one of those weeks where I forget and drop things every fives seconds. My normal time increment between "accidents" is about 10 minutes, so I have not been handling this new onset with much ease. Yesterday it was nice to stay in bed and watch educational tv...like Jerry Springer, Blind Date and other such programming. My one trip out was to the library where I redeemed earlier mindlessness by picking up Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan and All the Names. See I am edjamucated in the words of something Ralph Wiggum would say.

Halloween #5

This should be a giveaway now. I have wings. Black costume with wings and a dress...

Strange little place, ain't it?

So I was thinking the other day. Imagine being an alien if you will, and viewing earth from an objectionable stance. Sorta from a The Gods Must Be Crazy viewpoint I was thinking that we are a strange "civilized" society. We have made all these luxuries into necessities. We advance outselves and create new inventions to make out lives easier, when many a time we are complicating things more and more.

We used to be a hunting/gathering society, living simplistically off the land. Now we have computers and high tech jobs and schooling is a necessity. We have to learn all kinds of rules and regulations in order to live appropriately and this doesn't include all the overt and coverts that we have to learn from experience. We now live in a time where paper and pen have largely been replaced by computers. Heaven forbid our server goes down at work. We all have to go home for the day. We put our money in banks, we have this invisible thing called credit, which we can’t live without, and many other "important" things like cars and homes depend upon for purchasing.

We take pills to make ourselves normal; we alter the genes of plants, animals, minerals and humans. We play god. We strive toward an impossible idea of perfection and it seems more and more that we demand this perfection from each other. We mostly depend on cars, airplanes and various forms of public transportation. We are impatient with these methods and seem to have forgotten the days of horses, carriages, wagons, ships and walking. It seems to be unheard of to many of my friends to have to walk more than 20 feet from the car to the building. We fight over the closet spot at the supermarket or mall so as to avoid walking any more than necessary. We are always in a hurry even though we have nowhere to go. We have forgotten about inner beauty and nature and now focus on materialism and image. We don't take time to nurture our souls anymore.

In recent times especially, we need to take an objectionable look at the world. We fight amongst ourselves, within our own countries racism and discrimination are still very present. We have children being abused and neglected and many citizens are without food and shelter. Not only are countries in turmoil within, but so many nations can not get along with others. We all feel that one way is the best and those who don't agree must be wrong. Wars have been going on for years in certain nations. These people don't even know what a day would be like to wake up and not have to fear the surrounding war. When did we become a civilization that needed nuclear and biological warfare? There is so much aggression and blame within people. No one wants to take responsibility or admit that maybe they can change. It is our first instinct to point the finger in the face of accusation.

I don't offer solutions, although I would like to be productive. Many have an attitude that "I am only one person and what difference am I going to make." I feel that way many a time because it is easier to complain that to act or react. I hope as I continue to mature I can find an appropriate, successful outlet for all these feelings. I would like the world to be a better place, although I don't expect perfection. I think some precautions and ideas are well intended although others border on selfish acts, based around seeing if we can rather than if we should. Awareness would be the first step I would guess. I suppose I am just disheartened that many people are unaware that anything is amiss. It is amazing to me how quickly we have accepted the way things are.

I had to put up Blogback like most other people lately. The page takes forever to load now. Boo hoo, oh well.

Link Whore

Ok so I now know what a link whore is. The following was an actual reblogger post.

AAARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! [pause] Damn me, I am such a far-reak! Haha, okay sorry, I'm just going on my annual "Reblogger bash". I go around people's sites, and write weird things. Hoping they will link me. LOL Hahahahahahahahahaaahahhahahahhahahahaahaahahheeeeee!.. ##############23#############
MiSS - posted at 20:15 GMT 19/10/01

Yeah...that is rather forward and blatant self promotion. Using someone else's site for promo is bad. And even worse her site isn't really something I would want to read. It was tempting to leave nasty comments but I refrained. Poor girl is already bad off as it is.

Halloween hint #4 that no one cares about

My costume is black. It is generic and not specific. It is girl costume only ( I would hope) and is a dress.

Remember snotrockets?

Ha ha. Puck from MTV's Real World San Francisco was on The Weakest Link last night. It was pretty amusing because the host totally ignored him and he didn't get to make crappy outbursts although you could tell he was dying to. I was so amused. It all came down to Kato Kaelin and Kaya from that skanky island show, and poor Kato couldn't remember that butterflies start out as caterpillars...Oh yeah...Gennifer Flowers is the epitome of stupid blonde tramp. "Tee hee. I am so proud of sleeping with Bill Clinton." Ok that wasn't a direct qoute but she seemed so smug.

Can I worry yet?

I know I am not supposed to panic or believe everything I hear but this is getting semi-scarier. I still stick with my belief that Anthrax is going to be perfected into something more guaranteed to be lethal. I want to know who is doing this. It seems easy to blame it on the Middle East people and problems surrounding Osama Bin Laden but for some reason I am thinking someone sick and demented within the US is taking advantage of the situation. I have still not fully accepted that it was sent to 10 or so Planned Parenthood locations. I do not see the reasoning behind the targets of tv new stations either. Unless it can be contagious or more widely spread it seems sorta premature of the senders to target well known newscasters. Today is just not a good day all around.

UM....okay.....according to my co-worker chips have a new name: Intestine hijackers. I am not sure if this is just the Sun Chips brand or all chip brands.

Shopping is bad...Bad Amber! Bad!

I have a good excuse I swear. I used to burn cds off napster or aimster or whatever other site I could pirate from. However with my recent move and my parents, I was promised a new computer which has yet to show up. So for now I only have work access and no burning capabilites. I finally broke down and went to Rasputins to pick up some cds this weekend. I was so bad. They just kept calling to me and I could not resist. 80 dollars later I walked away with:
Hole, Live Through This The CD that unfortunately died with my car and one of my all time favs.
Bis, Return to Central This is a scottish punk band that does the theme to Power Puff Girls. Their old stuff was way better but the new sound of this album and the last are starting to grow on me. I am going to see them in San Fran on Wednesday.
Dj Dan, In Stereo One of my favorite spinner's new album.
Mystre, Mysterium Another one of the great techno/trance guys.
Ozomatli, Embrace the Chaos These guys are so cool. Latin Rock mixed with everything else. An excellent unique sound. I am going to see these guys in San Fran this weekend too.
The Be Good Tanyas, Blue Horse This was the best find at the listening station by pressing the wrong numbers. This is the sweetest little all girl folksy band with the neatest little songs. I have been overplaying this cd all weekend.
Is shopping so bad if you get cool stuff?

So dissapointed

I went to see From Hell and Riding in Cars with Boys this weekend. I was not really impressed with either one. Granted although some people are not Drew Barrymore fans, I am. I really like her goofy roles (ie Never Been Kissed and Charlie's Angels) but this movie was just a real let down. It was too long and it tried way too hard to be funny/cute. It was semi-emotional in a few parts and I actually took Steve Zahn seriously for once as an actor, but overall the movie was poorly made. I have not read the book so I am not sure how closely it was based and maybe the book was just poorly written and the author's life was lame. I just think the movie could have been a lot better and the format would have been better if they didnt start the movie in the present and keep flashing back and forth.

From Hell looked really good and Johnny Depp has this knack for making me fall in love with him and his characters, but call me wimpy because I almost had to leave. Certain things in movies I can't handle and this had implied and real gore that was a little too much. I can't watch Dark Crystal still, Devil's Advocate, Interview with a Vampire...I know there are more...I can handle Sleepy Hollow or gore that is more fantasy based or cheesy. Suicide scenes freak me out, as do gory operations and just sick mutilation movies that show or imply things beyond my throw up tolerance. Not that I have lost it, but the thought of losing it is bad enough. The plot of From Hell had some interesting conspiracies on different levels but I wasn't happy with the ending which totally ruined any redeeming that had gone on after the gore.

The weird thing is I am not usually picky when it comes to movies. Usually I like most movies, so for 2 of my favorite actors, and 2 films I was anticipating to suck...well I wish I would've paid matinee prices for that crap.

Halloween costume hint #3

It is not a specific character from anything, but rather a general costume.

PS. Remember it is girly and involves wearing a dress. Thanks for amusing me and guessing :)

Damn that drill

I think the sound of the dentist drill alone is what scares me and makes me think it hurts worse than it does. It is like that nails on the chalkboard type feeling. (Shudders) The dentist I saw yesterday in part 2 of my fillings was really good though. He managed to numb my face utterly and totally better than anyone has and therefore I drooled on myself when I had to rinse and spit...and then proceeded to drool the next 4 hours. My roommate and I were rather delerious because she kept asking me to smile, since only half my face was capable of smiling. I think we were drunk at this point.

Halloween costume hint #2

I am going to wear a dress type costume.

Self Promo

I was thinking that I would start a site to post some poetry that I wrote. Granted some of these I don't like and some of them I really do...but I figure it is something semi creative and since I find it inappropriate to post my crack whore adventures I'm posting something that I did in more productive times. Besides I like sharing this sort of artsy mumbo jumbo. So without further ado I present ShortcakesPoetry. It needs some work and granted there is only one post...yeah...I suck.

Short story of my life

I am so tore up lately now that I am officially on my own and my parents/grandparents have moved 3 hours away. So now I am pondering what to do about the situation with my biological mom. My grandparents have played the role of parents to me since I was 5. My mom was around but was into drugs and partying and sleeping around. I suppose she just didn't grow out of the teen years and having me at 19 wasn't the best idea, but hey I am here so it wasn't all bad.

In 7th grade I decided that being around her wasn't good for me and told her I didn't want to visit her anymore. At the time I was living with my biological dad who I met when I was 9 and lived with until I was 12. He was nasty and typical redneck trash and my stepmom was even worse...no therapy but the abuse could have entailed someone professional to help out. So from the latter part of 8th grade until last year I lived with my grandparents and they have done everything possible for me.

BUT...the inevitable but...my grandparents' love is very CONDITIONAL. In recent years, being I am of forgiving nature, I really want to try to have a relationship with my mom. I found out I have a half brother I have never met, and lately I find myself craving more family. I am between a rock and a hard place so to say though. Granted my grandparents have moved away and it would be harder for them to find out...but if my mom wanted to be spiteful she could find a way to let them know I have betrayed them.

See the condition is that if I want to have a relationship with my mom, my grandparents will not have one with me ever again. They say that it would be spitting in their face by going back to someone they tried to keep me away from for so long, that I chose to block out of my life. I have talked with them numerous times on the issue, trying to explain that I won't feel whole or have my closure until I find out how she is and see if I might be able to establish some semi-functional relationship with her.

I always thought I could handle not seeing my dad's or mom's side of the family. I have always had my grandparents to count on. They have supported me and taken care of me and gone above and beyond in nurturing me into a young lady. I worked through a lot of the more abusive issues and low self esteem I had when I was younger. It is just now that I am sorta a grown up, I really miss that mother/daughter friendship. My grandparents are rather young (early 60s and act younger than that) but what I remember of my mom when she was "all there"...it was a like a big fun sister. I really don't know how to handle this. In gaining my mom, I lose the 2 people I really have and love in my life. Besides I risk that my mom is someone I really don't want anything to do with still. No one seems to be able to figure this out for me. I remain stuck in limbo...confused.

Halloween costume hint #1

Something that is girl oriented only.

This was slightly disturbing

I recently ordered this book from Amazon because I like Angus Oblong and his short 6 episode cartoon stint that ran earlier this year. I was shocked that for a "children's scary book", emphasis on CHILDREN'S, it talks about susie getting a tingling in her v***** when she sees her crush. Does anyone else find this sorta offensive...

To pay or not to pay

So I have this leftover money from my birthday from my generous father, that I have been trying to save for a much desired trip to Disneyland with the boy who has no money and can't go for probably 10 years at this rate OR for emergencies. Disneyland may be subject to qualify as an emergency at a later date. However I keep looking at my credit card and I am tempted to make a huge payment ($1000) and almost pay it off. The downside is that if I run into trouble and have an almost payed off card I will be tempted to start using it like crazy, hence ending up with a huge balance again. Help!

Not a bunny

I feel like an easter egg today. Fushia/magenta hair with pink barettes...what was I thinking? No this is not part of the Halloween costume.

No yay for me

I did it again...I decided I need to get back into exercising and have gone rollerblading once since the infamous accident. It happened in April and the doctor said no exercise for 8 or 9 months. Last time I went was a few days ago and I had a fence mishap. So yesterday I went for an hour in an attempt to get back in shape, release stress and get some adrenaline going. Everything started out fine...I went down one pathway and rather than attempt the bridge I bailed on last time...I can back the same path. I then crossed the safe bridge and went down another path, turned around and came back. With my car in sight and an experience of safe rollerblading almost behind me I crossed back over the safe bridge, holding onto the railing like a pathetic beginner. I daintily picked up my skate to cross the metal grate connecting the bridge to the pavement and was almost home free. I then felt gravity pulling me down. I had tripped on the grate and went plummeting toward the ground. I scraped my hands and my right knee pretty bad, not to mention damaged my ego and embarrassed myself in front of 10-15 someodd exercisers who proceeded to ask me if I was ok. If you have ever rollerbladed you know that being on your knees makes in impossible to get up. I had to roll over on my butt and drag myself up using the chainlink fence. I somehow hit my head and have a large lump, luckily not noticable on my right temple. I sheepishly excused myself to the onlookers by saying, "I haven't done this in a year and I was expecting that display of ungracefulness. I broke my pelvis and now have to reIearn this stuff." I think I will look into that helmet now.

Yay for me

I have completed my Halloween costume...you all play the guessing game and then I'll tell you what it is. This is an attempt to make something not exciting more exciting.

Say what?

Did you know that Tuna, as widely believed, does NOT in fact grow on trees in those little cans. I KNOW. Let me tell you my friends, I was shocked and amazed that those little cans are fishy tins: Poor fishies that were caught by nasty hooks and nets and chopped up. I am going to go mourn now for those that have so tragically given their lives.

On a similar note...Honey does not come from bears, which is rather misleading considering the packaging. Apparently some Winnie the Pooh character started it all. But Honey in fact comes from bees. I assume there are specialists who milk the bees although I can not be qouted on that. Science lesson is now over kids.

Too Busy for Slacking

I do not like training for new stuff. See normally I do my fair share of work and then some, surpassing the other brown nosers for the official brown noser title each day...and then I have time for email and talking and reading needless amusing crap...or....er...I mean cool stuff that passes the time and makes me smile like a giddy idiot. Now today I have been in training for yet another task all day long so that now I have 3 jobs instead of 1. And I know you all will not believe this but it is for the same amount of pay. Yes out of the goodness of my heart I like more work than I can handle...or would like to handle. Yeah that was sarcasm.

Genius Comic

Max Cannon is the strangest funniest man ever.
Oh yeah...I learned how to link and do headlines...pretty sad I am happy about this.

I want to go rollerblading today but it is heat stroke weather out there. Us Lily White Assed office people type are used to air conditioning at a standard 72 degree setting. Oh yeah and I am scared to rollerblade because last week the fence attacked me. It also embarrassed me as people saw me plummit toward, I mean get sucked in by the possessed and evil fence and get wedged under the loose chain link. This was not comedy people. This was a cruel and usual happening in my accident prone world. I am thinking of buying a helmet. Oh wait. No I'm not.

I feel like I am slowly sinking in Jello. Stepped in and felt my legs wobble, settle in like suspended fruit. Penetrating down thru the gelatin mass as it slurps around me and swallows me up. Trying to keep my head above but still falling in slow motion. Trapped, staring out from this jiggly prison. Even worse, it is Strawberry Jello. Where is Bill Cosby when I need him.

I went to my much anticipated Ben Folds concert at the Fillmore in San Fran last night. His opening guy, Citizen Cope was just incredibly awesome. Lots of unplugged vibes and a very Led Zeppelin sound at times. His album comes out in January I believe. Anywho Ben Folds was awesome and I was amazed that his following has gotten so much bigger. The three shows I have been to before, the crowds were fairly small and the shows weren't sold out. It was just a very feel good time and I was almost at the stage, very good spot for watching the master at the piano. I still have Tori Amos and Weezer to look forward to next month as well. Might pick up some tickets for Ozomatli too. I am concert hungry lately. Just found out Bernadette Peters is going to be in San Fran and all my nerdy high school choir/theater friends came rushing back to mind. I don't think a lot of people ( well younger people) really know who she is but I remember seeing Into the Woods with her on PBS when I was a kid and I was hooked. So I am gonna have to track someone down who actually knows and likes her and see if I can get tickets.

I am not ready for this...

My pirate name is Red Anne Kidd: Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

I am not sure whether to laugh or feel offended by all the recent email jokes I am receiving. I know that humor helps us cope with the state our country is in, but at the same time I feel a little saddened at our attitudes and blind hatred. I do not claim to know enough about the Middle East and its people to make a concise stand or develop an appropriate viewpoint. I do know that there are plenty of innocent people there, people who in a sense want and feel the same thing as all people...basic needs of food, water, shelter, love, sense of belonging and sense of security. I also know that there is a certain mentality there that would not be easy to shed, being they have been taught the things they have been taught since day one. I am feeling very torn up and confused on all this. I am trying to keep in mind that this was a specific group, not a whole blamable country that did this to us. I want justice, and not to sound like an ignorant girl, but I think it was necessary to take physical action and exert some power on America's part. We can not be seen as weak, letting anyone who wants to come and terrorize us with no repercussion. At the same time there is no easy solution. I hate to think back on the things we have done to other countries (main one comes to mind is bombing Japan and I do realize what happened at Pearl Harbor but I just don't know if our retaliations are fair...is that the right word?) So I guess what I am trying to say is there has to be some happy medium. I watched a lot of the BBC when the attack happened on the 11th. They made a good point in saying America needs to reevaluate its relationship with other countries. I feel like at times we do consider our philosophies, government and way of living to be the judge-all that other countries should want to emulate. I wish there was some happy medium balance between the tree-hugging hippies who want to do nothing and the die hard militants who want to "bomb the shit" out of the middle east. Note to self: Do more research so as not to further confuse self.