Stamp of approval

I took my main squeeze up to Yosemite to meet the rents last sunday. Went really really well. They adore him. I'm thrilled but I already knew they would anyway. We wandered around the new casino up there and my parents bragged about how they dress up on friday nights and go play the 2 cent machines...they are high rollers.
Anywho as we were leaving to drive back my mom was washing my windows off to clear the windshield of the dead bug remains to make way for all the new ones. She then proceeded to spray main squeeze with windex when his back was turned and go into hysterical giggles. We are not quite sure what overtook her. She also found my first business cards rather amusing too and couldnt talk for a few minutes from laughing so hard. I think she might have drank too much at dinner. Main squeeze was relieved that the pressure was off him to make an impression.

Un-freakin-believable

I stopped by Marshall's on my way home last night in a loss of self-control. Little did I know how much I was going to be punished for my lapse of willpower. I found this suede jacket in a different color from the one I already own and knowing how much my friend adores, it called her to inform her. She asked me to get it for her and considering the low cost I'd be an idiot not to get one too! So I go to stand in line and expect the normal 10 minute wait since its always crowded there with little help. There are 3 people in front of me. One lady takes about 5 minutes to do her return. Next is yuppie lady. Yuppie lady is wearing a skimpy tank top with her fake tits proudly protruding. She has on very short shorts with unfashionable sandals. She looks expensive but upon closer inspection is a wannabe. She dumps out 2 bags and about 10 receipts and tells the clerk she wants to return everything and buy back all but 2 items on a different credit card. Considering her oodles of receipts this takes near 30 minutes!!! Most of the stuff is worth 6 or 7 bucks and most she has taken the tags off and saved them. How freaking shady and ridiculous! She has to put them on a different card? Maybe if she hadn't wasted all that money on tits...I was furious and everytime I went to switch lines they either closed the register or more people came so it seemed safer to stay where I was. I would have left had it not been for telling my friend I'd get her the jacket. So if you ever have a notion to return crap only to buy it again, you better hope you aren't in front of me. I was so tempted to yell at her. And to top it all off when she was done she went looking for more crap. Oh yah, I had to pee really bad which didn't improve my mood.

Last Chance

Sometimes when you have road rage all you need to sooth it away and put a smile on your face is Donna Summer's greatest hits.

Monkey see monkey do

I went to the grocery store to get my much needed fix of Jelly Bellies and stepped into the 10 items or less line. Seeing as I was yapping on my phone I didn't realize the lady in front of me had more than 10 items. As I hung up I heard her telling the clerk she was being rude. The clerk told her that she wasn't being rude but she'd have to go to another check out. The lady then replied that she had 2 babies and she didn't notice. (Aforementioned babies were piled in the cart under mounds of baby food.) Baby lady proceeded to get more and more pissed off as she threw items back in the cart, narrowly missing precious babies. She then called the clerk a cunt and again repeated she had 2 babies and she was reporting the clerk for being rude to the manager.
Seems ironic to use such fowl language and have such a temper when you have, not one but two babies.
Use birth control people.

Freaks in the park

So my friend decided she wanted to see Jennifer Hanson play downtown. I am not a country fan but have been getting dragged to these redneck fests anyway. I am that good of a friend.
We get there and sit down and right away things got crazy.
In front of the stage is a place for people to dance. This is intended to people who actually know how to dance and are pleasant to look at. The first weirdos were a toothless older woman and a very old man who although not together were getting pretty freaky. Then along comes a mentally challenged man who had some weird object he used as a microphone with way too much zealous, performing for everyone and trying to detract from the stage which he ran back to every few minutes to high 5 the singer.
Enter the token lesbians. One huge and one stick thin dressed like a boy with a shaved head. Said huge lesbian proceeded to take off her shirt and sit on the stage in a bra with her belly hanging over. She then dumped out her purse on the floor and stick thin lesbian began throwing everything back in. Mostly condoms, which lesbians don't need FYI. They then went back and forth to the free ice cream booth about 3 or 4 times, and then persuaded innocent bystanders to go to the booth for them after they were banned. Next she harrassed some teeny boppers who let her use their cell phone and she made probably 3 or 4 calls to god knows who. Are cell phones the new cigarettes?
Huge lesbian then peed her pants at some point which embarrassed me since she had no embarrassment of her own. Believe me it was pee as it was only down the insides of the thighs and wasn't there previously. Shame!
Then along came normal buff work out guy. Although he appeared normal and had a shaved head, nice clothes and defined physique, he proceeded to "2 step" around the dancing area alone in a big square, tapping his heart intermittedly as if he was at a punk show. Huge lesbian handed him a condom which he pocketed as he 2 stepped by.
Toothless lady reappeared with a weird older chubby man who had an old fashioned mustache with wax that curled at the ends.
The bands weren't all that great and had to deal with homeless looking people milling around on the steps right below them staring or eye oogling their breasts. It was a sad day for the park and as usual a giggle fest for me.

Annually idiotic

Every year it seems I don't follow my own advice about wearing sunscreen in the effort to have my white socks discernable from my legs. This year it happened at the beach. I went on saturday for a few hours, didn't realize I was burning. By saturday night I could barely walk. I have been using aloe vera like crazy and sleeping with wet towels on my legs but I am still all stiff and my stubble hurts really bad. I feel like a big red penguin waddling around.

In other news, Seabiscuit was the best movie I have seen all year. And I think I am turning into a baseball fanatic. Saw the Giants last sunday and the A's monday and then again sunday, bringing home my Ramon Hernandez bobblehead after yelling at many young children who tried to beg and plead that I should give them mine since they didn't get one. Losers! Tell your parents to drive faster.

Past professions

So the boy and I were sitting at In N Out last night, him eating, me drooling, wanting to be eating but regretedly being full. And then this big homeless guy comes in, shuffling with a cane, barely moving. As he slowly moves past our booth the boy gets this disgusted look on his face and motions down. The homeless guy had on sandals with big swollen blackish purplish feet and long toenails hanging over his sandals. After the man is in the bathroom the boy says to me, "Ew they looked like big beets." My response is, "Huh beets?" And he says, "Ya know when you pull them out of the ground and they are all dirty and stringy." To which I smugly reply, "I guess you never mentioned your childhood beet farming days to me before."
Two minutes later he told me I had something in my nose. Something meaning a booger, which sent me flying to the restroom to find absolutely nothing. His little payback I suppose.

The missing son of the ambiguously gay duo

I was sitting at Cucina Cucina the other day with Maria, waiting for our food, when we glanced over and noticed that the table next to us had a little asian boy in a Superman outfit, cape and all. The waiter walked by and somehow the kid's cape had fallen on the floor so the waiter picked it up and gave it to little-mister-I-am-4-years-old-and wear-halloween-costumes-all-year. The little boy proceeded to turn around in his chair as the waiter walked off, close his eyes, and start chanting with his lips puckered, "Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss."

Maria and I nearly died laughing.