So she told me I had Amber Oomph. That I am not useless and I am not losing myself in the abyss. The trick is wholeheartedly believing her. The taste of gray that lingers on my tongue will fade. The limitations, my body's ability to trap me within it. All these things will soon be broken---my revenge against...myself? Against something rather. I know at times I have a needed a good kickstart to get myself going. I need someone to tell me I can't in order to make the "can" happen. Defiance doesn't run deep in my blood, but there is a small strain of stubborness that survives and thrives in times such as this. Times where I came so close to losing it all, and now I am realizing I want it all back more than ever. How important it all was. How blind I was to take it for granted. I foreshadowed this I suppose...thinking about how I'd be so happy if I lost it all...then got it back. The getting it back part is the hard stuff. I never thought I'd have to earn what I had from birth. I never thought I'd have to earn back love from myself and others. I never thought I'd have this much confusion regarding roles and relationships. And somehow, presented with all this time to think...I am getting so much more expanse in my views. I lose myself in thoughts like I never thought I could. While my body has taken a break (literally has broken) my mind has massively produced these swirling clouds of questions and dreams that have been hovering constantly. I want to answer them myself...to try to understand what I want and why. Isn't so easy. It's slowly coming...and I am willing to wait. Allowing myself to be patient which is becoming a well trained habit for me lately. I just rely on that time old saying...could have been worse...oops :) I mean things happen for a reason.

The depression I fall into when I write feel so good sometimes. I feel like I have misplaced so many things that are important to me. And now by my own fault I have to cope with the loss. Things I wish I could regain but yet I know my only friend is that which I despise. Slow time. Sands falling in slow motion in an hourglass that tempts me to shatter it. To spill the grains out into my own hand. Give me back control of all the things that slipped away. Feeling my mistakes burn into my skin. Branding me for life to bear the weight of regret. The "If onlys" taunt me with every thought. The way I look at myself in the mirror lately seems to bear a mocking reflection staring back. Like the other part of me and the world who got inside laughs at my misfortune. Tells me I deserved it. "I told you so Amber." This is what you get. This will turn you into the bitch that lurks inside. This is going to eat you up internally, slowing latching its greedy fingers around your mind. Make you feel the unbearable tension and bitterness that you have harbored for so long. And I cry...I cry so much. I cry for who I am becoming. I pray for what I was. I long for what used to be. I long for normalacy and happiness. I long for the right thing. I long for the wisdom to know what I have done and how to fix it. I am tired of life. Or at least I am tired of the recent past and no yearn for some way to grab the upper hand. I want to hold dreams in my fist and fulfill my insatiable desires that have been stolen away. I want the ice to numb me...smother my flames and heartache...take away my relationship with pity and mold me into someone else.