Thankfulness

As I was driving to work today the holiday really hit me and I know what I am most thankful for. There was an ambulance driving with its sirens and lights on going the opposite way on the freeway in the exact location I crashed in April. I started to tear up a little and noticed my knuckles were white since my grip on the wheel had intensified. This has happened before. A month ago I was on my way to Berkeley to wander around Telegraph, and I ran into a bit of traffic. The cause finally became visible. A new VW Passat was lying upside down on a small bridge over the streets below. There were no paramedics there yet, not police or any officials. I was in the far lane, tempted to pull over and help or at least comfort the person in the car...and then I lost it. I had a small panic attack and started to shake and cry profusely. I could barely see the road as hot tears flooded my eyes and cheeks. Luckily I had the boy to calm me down, as I could see the nervousness in his eyes that this nerve-wracked girl was behind the wheel, driving, doing what she most feared at that moment.

I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful I have fully recovered and have my health. And I am also thankful to love and be loved by family and friends.

In my short drive this morning I did a lot of reflecting. There was a girl in high school that I was friends with. I met her in summer school before my sophmore year as she was going to be a freshman and she became more than an aquaintence but not quite a best friend. Karen was the kind of girl who didn't really have a group. She flitted back and forth between people and remained friends with everyone, bridging gaps between cliques. Karen was friends with the "popular group," the normal kids, the nerds, the trenchcoat hill people, the music geeks. You could see all these different parts to her. She just had this glow about her, like she knew the secret. She knew how to be happy and share that with everyone. You were lucky to be friends with Karen. Her presense was quiet and gentle but she never lacked friendliness or a smile. She always seemed to know how to make someone feel better. She truly cared for people and was as selfless as a person can be. There aren't many people out there that have such qualities and are as genuine. As we went through high school our friendship faded but we always kept in touch and hung out once in awhile. I didn't hear as much from her when I graduated as things between us had drifted apart.

Awhile back at the local coffee shop in my high school town I overheard a conversation between the co-workers about a funeral. I heard the name Karen. I asked which Karen it was and found out it was my Karen. Apparantly Karen had fallen ill rather suddenly. The doctors weren't sure what was wrong with her and couldn't get a proper diagnoses. She fell into a coma and there was little chance she would live or if she did there would be severe brain damage. Eventually it was determined she had spinal menegitis. She passed away and with her passed that special light she had touched so many people with. The coffee girls said that the turnout at her funeral was huge. All those people had wanted to say goodbye to such a special person who had managed to touch everyones life. I wish I had the chance to tell her how much she meant to me and to so many others. I think she knew somehow that what she did in befriending people meant much more.

I am saddened that she is no longer with us and in light of the holiday realize how fortunate it is that I am.

I'm gonna toss cookies

This is not art in my book in any way.
Link snagged from Jill

Ah the not so joyous youth of America

Went to see Weezer last night with Jimmy Eat World and Tenacious D. Before I give the scoop on the show I must share the excitement first.

I MET MARIA! She has been a long time online friend of the boy and I but we haven't ever met up. So last night while standing in line, who should appear before our eyes? A miniature sleigh....No! Maria! So she is as cool as I thought and it was super duper rad and very surreal to actually meet someone who I thought lived only in the computer. She is a real life person and she is funny and fantastical and kept yelling at ogres blocking the view in front of us.

The actual concert....hmmm..I do not like being around 16 yr olds who don't wear deodarant and are loud and obnoxious and too tall to see around. Jimmy Eat World was awesome and I really like their sound and energy on the stage. Tenacious D...I couldn't see the whole time but I heard he was funny up there. Problem is I only like the Wonderboy song. Everything else they do I can't take seriously, as their lyrics are straight from the "potty humor" section. I just was sorta grossed out and not that impressed. I don't like the fuck her softly song, nor hearing cocksucker and anus in any song...that is just me. I am not a prude but I prefer more fun and upbeat music. I guess I am not that weird. Weezer was awesome! I like seeing a band perform live although they don't move around much they had a few killer lines. Like after the first song he says, " Thanks biotches." They are just very straight performers which is I guess their nerdy characteristic appeal. Any who I would have prefered a seat over tip toeing the whole time to see over people. I suppose going to a concert requires that perfect excited mood. I was too pooped out from Disneyland and not mentally geared for a concert I think. Oh well I still have Tori.

Yeah baby

Drivers who aren't me suck

I doubted my vision before, knowing I am obligated by my driver's license to wear my nerd glasses otherwise everything is semi-fuzzy. But I have now realized that my vision is inherently better than many many people who I share the freeway with daily. See all these people have failed to notice that car pool means MORE THAN ONE PERSON in the car. Either that or they can't make out the hours. Lately I would say 99% of the people speeding down the carpool lane are idiots who don't follow the rules. This pisses me off immensely as I am too chicken of astronomical fines from our local friendly policemen, and apparently these people are thrillseekers...or visually challenged. Either way I am now the self proclaimed bestest driver ever! Minus the car accident...and the fender bender...oh yeah and that time I spun out...ok disregard all that and just blindly believe I am the bestest driver ever.

Must wake up, must wake up

I am so tired and worn out...but the weekend was so fun! The weather was nice and the parks weren't very crowded and as expected Disney gives off that excited little kid feeling...oh yeah, they also give off that I just walked for 12 hours straight and my feet and thighs hurt and are going to fall off and I get to do it all over again because I never come here and gosh darn it I am going to enjoy myself even if I can't walk for the next few days without gimping it. So it was fun!

And I saw Harry Potter last night! Yay! It was really good and exactly what I imagined while reading the books. I loved the music too...I was waiting for credits, betting on Danny Elfman or John Williams, of which it was the latter. Does it remind anyone else of Batman? It sounds like some other theme but I can't place it. Anywho the film was excellent and really exciting and intriguing and excellently cast.
I was sorta dissapointed I didn't get to see Amelie...I had mapped out directions to a theater in LA that had it and we drove to see it thursday but yahoo maps failed me as the theater was no where to be found. The directions were totally wrong and there isn' anywhere nearby home that has it...boo hoo...

Whoo hoo

It's time to go! Amber you just got off work...what are you going to do?
Amber replies, "I'm going to Disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well after I wash the car, dye the hair, pack my crap, and sleep. THEN....I'm going to Disneyland!!!

Aawww pooey

I jinxed myself with all this wonderful day bragging. I just spilt my lunch all over the floor in the kitchen, proving once again I am klutzy. Off to get yucky food...

Oh but wait...I have pigtails...ha ha ha. It IS funny. Seriously, it is funny.

And she talks to glasses

I think saying I am slightly excited about leaving for Disneyland tomorrow is an understatement. This morning as I cheerfully wandered around the house while the rest of the bay area groggily stumbled out of bed I had Pirates of the Caribbean on the brain. As I proceeded to put a few glasses in the cupboard I lost it and started talking out loud, "Aarrgghh mateys, get ye glasses back to the cupboard." Yeah...just a little too excited.
I also am dying my hair tonight and didn't want to have to shower hair products out before dying to then get in shower again and rinse dye...only hair dyers relate, so I went for pigtails, which considering I have shoulder length hair look really funny. So I am sitting at work in green dickie overalls with pigtails feeling like a 5 year old that mommy dressed up, or even worse...an older rejected Olsen twin. Oooo the horror.

Today seems really good so far...the sun was shining and everything is in its right place. I came into work and realized someone had taped all my hi-liters together with a whole roll of tape which took me about 10 minutes to finally undo. The natural reaction ensued...I wanted revenge (playful revenge that is.) So I consulted with the local office instigator who helps in these dire times of need, as we play pranks a lot at work...and um yeah...we work too...we do! I swear.
So revenge today was pretty sweet...I ripped small pieces of paper and taped them over all the keys on his keyboard. Then I proceeded to write the alphabet in order over all the keys. Hehe, his face was sorta shocked and amused when he came in. Then he told me an old co-worker stopped by yesterday while I was gone and he was the one who taped my hi-liters...Oops...But come on it was a good prank.

Today is bad, tomorrow will be worse

I know, so negative. It is always this way when I am waiting for an event; time goes into slow motion and everything is dreary and boring. I am sitting hear drinking Mountain Dew to stay awake and its normal wonders are failing me. I thought wearing my yellow british print Docs would cheer me up today but they've backed out on me too. I have busy work to do but no motivation, influenced by the laziness of my co-workers as well. I've been playing yahoo pool but I am now burnt out and my online buddies aren't around to chitty chat. I would read but if we aren't staring at the computer it looks like we aren't working...if only they knew. I bought The Tin Drum awhile back and am dying to read it. Holocaust movies, books, documentaries and such fascinate me. And no I am not morbid. Well I do work here...maybe I am...

Cheesey fun

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.

Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

Aspiring photographer

Yeah I know...with a title like that you are expecting pics and I promise them soon. The digital camera has inspired this awareness of simplistic visuals around me that are now fascinating...like anything to do with the sky and fog and rain lately, misty layers rolling in like a blanket. I am thinking like a camera lately and therefore appear as a tourist, camera in hand with sunglasses and a fanny pack ready to go. Maybe not to the extreme... I am so tempted to take pictures while driving but have submitted to better judgement and refrained ...I am going picture crazy but I need to figure out photoshop to make smaller files so I can host and post more efficiently...
I'm starting to think about a photojournal too...I feel all foolishly artst fartsy passionate.

Way too funny for your own good

10 Tips for Women Who's Ascared
of Getting Stuck With A Loser

Sorta suits me

According to the personality test I am a

HEALER
(Submissive Extrovert Concrete Feeler )
Like just 9% of the population you are a HEALER (SECF)-- caring, good with people, and patient. You are completely selfless and full of love. As a concrete feeler, you do well with your emotions, which are very strong. You understand and appreciate *why* you feel the way you do, and for the most part you're at peace with yourself.

Suffering in the world really pisses you off.

In relationships, it's easy for you to get hurt. Avoid all kinds of dominant (D***) people, *especially* in dating or marriage. You are a motherly figure, even if you're a guy. If you're a girl, make sure you're a mom some day. The world's children need people like you. If you're a guy, don't even think about it. Most pedophiles are HEALERS.

On the rare occasions when you try to assert yourself, you're cute and awkward, but highly effective.

I'd have to say it is pretty accurate...I am fond of the last bit...cute and awkward...but they forgot klutzy...I would hope it is endearing though...like in What Dreams May Come when Annie stumbles walking down the aisle on the wedding day...that is so Amber. So what are ya'll?

Maybe/Maybe Not

Life is a game and True Love is a trophy...I think I am starting to like Rufus Wainwright He opened for Tori and he was pretty good...very nice presence and his music spoke for itself. He, like Tori is a very passionate singer and you can feel his music through his voice and lyrics.

Tori was just awesome...the show was amazing. The woman can play one keyboard, while reaching blindly behind her and playing the grand with her other hand. Amazing...no words or way to explain how incredible the show was last night. The mood and lighting was beautiful, yet didn't distract from her. I felt like she was so focused and involved in her music that she had blocked the audience out...like we were witnessing this heartfelt performance as voyeurs. The woman oozes passion.

Whoo hoo

I am going to see Tori in a few hours and.......drum roll.....I bought a Digital Camera.....Fujifilm 2600 with 3X Optical zoom...so awesome and I haven't ever had a good camera...I felt the need to splurdge for my Disney trip coming up this week...I am so stoked and so bragging..Here is me in my Nerd Glasses

Yay for weekends

Right about now I am desperately looking forward to the end of the work week. Anywho this weekend promises to be eventful. Tonight we are going to see The Man Who Wasn't There followed by a friend's party tonight. I am going to catch a WTO Protest in the bay area tomorrow, as the boy and are learning more and more about why they are evil and sadly most people go, "WTO? What is that?" And yet another party of a friend saturday night...I am not a party girl I swear. I drink lightly here and there...just for some reason there are parties this weekend. I can still count all the parties (if you can call them that) on my fingers. Go Amber you big party animal. Sunday I am catching up with a friend who just got back from Hawaii and we get to have quality girl time, gossip included. And sunday night I get to go see Tori Amos. Whoo hoo! I am stoked...Oh yeah...I plan on doing boring laundry and cleaning too...if there is time. Gotta have my priorities straight after all. All I want right now is some tylenol and a nap. Nothing could beat that out at this moment.

Poor Prince Charles

Attacked by flowers

Should I or shouldn't I

I have been wanting this tattoo since 96 when I first saw it. However I have not yet mustered up the guts to go do it because I keep thinking I might regret it later in life. So for 5 years now I have gone with friends to get tattoos and sat in contemplation, biting my nails, on the verge of getting the tattoo, and always chickening out. I want it on my right shoulderblade and the picture I have at home was from an art class is a lot more detailed and focused. I am so torn on wanting this but being afraid of becoming a wrinkly old woman someday who is embarrassed of her little pixie tattoo whim...well 5 years isn't a whim...I want it so bad! But will I regret it? Gggrrr! I am impossible.

Listless

My office is depressing. There is no sunshine. All the blinds are drawn, leaving me in perpetual fake light and thoughts of darkness enshrouding the building outside. My eyes are slowly fading into florescent lighted spheres. I am numb and feel disoriented. Things are blurry and concentration is impossible. I feel like I am floating somehow and I can't anchor my mind down to my body. The chair seems to be sprouting vines, intertwining into my flesh and making me part of the surroundings. My fingers welded to the keys, eyes transfixed on the screen, the weight of drudgery on my shoulders. No one seems to take notice that work is slowly killing me.

More than meets the eye

Now this is a Halloween costume

The adventures of...

I have been rollerblading now almost every weekday. This is what happens when I go rollerblading almost everytime:

Body: No! No! Not again! Why do you torture me so?
Brain: Body, we do this every day. You should be used to it by now.
Body: It hurts still. This sucks.
Brain: Well the more you do this the easier it will get.
Body: No! I want immediate gratification. (Big words for Body)
Brain: You need to have patience. You are going to love yourself more in the end.
Body: Immediate gratification!
Brain: We are doing this every day whether you like it or not. You need to get in shape.
Body: Why do I have to do what you say?
Brain: Because I am in charge.
Body: I hate you Brain!
Brain: There, there. Shut up Body.

Riddle

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil,
The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

10 thousand Whose Line points to the first person who gets it

Tee hee

All About Sharks

Game Dork

I am so excited because Ecco the Dolphin is coming to PS2. This game was so cool and more girly on Sega and now they are updating the Dreamcast one for PS2. I am also thinking of snagging Simpsons Road Rage and Okage. Normally, Simpson games suck and don't do justice to the greatness of the show. This one had potential however in the stylings of Crazy Taxi. And Okage is said to be Tim Burtonesque and more of an "easy play."I sadly admit I am not the best dorkiest gamer around so easier games are easier on my feeble mind. I feel like Rex in Toy Story 2 when he says something to the effect of, "My arms are too short. I can't hit jump and fire at the same time" Well maybe not the arms part...or maybe that is it...after all i do have freakishly small midget hands as Maria would say. So where to buy...I am dissapointed with Fry's stock lately. Who has the biggest bestest video game selection? You know, cuz I really need to be spending more money on things I so desperately don't need.

Um-kay

Why would you do this when you obviously have a ton of money?

I am the Secret Secret-Master

Ok well not anymore I suppose...I am stuck between a rock and hard place to be cliche. One of my roommates works at a "nice" homeless shelter and has taken a fancy to a gentleman who is 10 yrs her senior(she is 22.) So this homeless guy who is her client, has been over my house on friday and sunday and now last night. She can get fired for dating him, not to mention she has no clue about what this guy is really like. He has a curfew of 7:30 which I thought was good...BUT he can leave at 2 am. So guess what I hear at 2:15 last night, waking me out of slumber. Her and said guy giggling and going to her room.

The catch here is that our other roommate does not know this guy is homeless. He thinks that she just works with him and started dating him. If he did know he would freak out and give her crap and not let him in our house most likely. Here is where I became the secret keeper. She told me the truth and told me not to tell my roommate. Sigh...

I don't know how to handle this because I feel uncomfortable with this guy being in my house. I feel insecure about my safety and I hate to judge because he could be a nice guy, but yet I can't stop feeling paranoid. I am worried about her safety too, and if nothing else that he may hold her job over her. Worst fear is that she will let him mooch and move in. How do I tell her who she can and can't hang out with or have over. I mean she pays rent too.

My main concern here is for my roommate. She is a cute girl, very smart and well read, super funny and really cool to be around. I think she can do way better and it concerns me that she has picked this guy. Someone who doesn't have much to offer really that I can see. He doesn't really come-off as her type and unfortunately my little mind has labled him as white trash. Not to mention she is young and in school and he is 10 yrs older with not much in common. I want her to be happy though ultimately.

So now I don't know if I should tell her I feel uncomfortable, or if I should spill the beans to my other roommate and clue him in. If he finds out I knew and didn't tell him, he will feel like he can't trust me with important things going on in our house. Yet if I tell him then I betray her trust. I feel icky about all this. I used to think my living situation was perfect before friday. Help me?

Creepy singing child

This singing child is just too creepy, and yet really amusing.

Yucky Mondays

I suppose there is no way around monday because if you eliminated it, then whatever day you finally go back to work would feel like Monday, or whatever name you call that day. Maybe we should just eliminate work alltogether. Besides we are only productive Tuesday-Thursday. Monday is spent recovering from the weekend and Friday is spent anticipating the weekend. I digress...
I saw Monsters Inc on friday. We had to go to the 11 o clock show since all others were sold out. This worked so well for me because I don't really like movie watching with a ton of misbehaved children. I am one of those people who wants complete concentration on the movie with no crying, screaming, running the aisles, loud popcorn munching, ringing cell phones/beepers, talking on cell phones (this is the worst overall), kicking my chair, or innappropriate laughter at non funny jokes. Yes I am picky. So the movie was really really cute/funny/witty. I was dissapointed in Shrek (thought the story was too easy, there wasn't much challenge/journey and the jokes weren't that funny; I had hyped it up so much and was anticipating it and just didn't get what I expected) and was worried that this latest CG movie wouldn't meet up to par. It did and surpassed. I was giggling like crazy and was even touched to tears at certain parts, as was the boy, and no he isn't a wimpy sappy boyfriend who cries at everything, therefore the tears were well deserved. Pixar definately has a good track record going in my eyes. Plus there is a short called For the Birds which I have adored for the last year that finally aired before Monsters. Maybe I am on a roll and will actually like the movies I go see now.

The Happiest Place on Earth

I am going to Disneyland the weekend after next(15-19)! Yay! Yay! Yay! For those of you like my boy who have not been to Disneyland, it is somewhere you have to go to understand how great and happy it really is. I am so excited to take the boy. See Disneyland was sorta geared toward little kids, but it is one of those little kid things that is still cool no matter how old you are. You hold hands there and giggle and run to the next ride and everything is exciting and wonderous(slightly over-commercialized but eh what are you going to do). There are amazing fireworkds everynight and for a short period of time you regain, what feels like, your childhood. Not to mention that all the employees are super happy and nice. It is sorta refreshing compared to retail drones who hate their jobs. And there is no litter in Disneyland. I don't know how they do it but the streets are generally immaculate. My secret theory is there are little tiny gnomes who run out and gather trash so quickly you don't see them. So we are going to Disneyland for 2 fun-filled days and 3 starry nights...along with 2 days allotted for driving and I am so thrilled I can hardly wait.

Tonight in the Bay Area

Tonight the boy and I are going to see Hans von Sponeck talk about peace in Iraq. Seems sorta interesting and I have been feeling politically naive lately so here is a step.

Slap me silly

I have been having one of THOSE days. And weeks...actually about 3 weeks now. I am over stressed and I don't know why. This is round two of living on my own and it used to be that my parents were the root of my stress. I have been in my current place now since Sept 1st and feel closer and better about my parents now. Heck I even miss them and get homesick now. My job is semi-stressful lately but not enough to warrant the way I have been.

Example: There are a few people at work, who when addressing issues at a meeting or talking to me one on one, produce this phrase in my head, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms, forcing me to keep my thoughts in my head and not let them hit my lips. This mantra repeats over and over until they finally do stop blabbering.

I feel over irritated by so many things lately and it carries over into me dropping things, running into things and messing things up, followed by the expected cussing in frustration at the situation. I don't know how or when I got to be like this. Normally I am perky and happy and optimistic. I think I need to go back to kickboxing to vent my stress on the punching bag, but I need to wait until december for my pelvis to be ok.

Most people get upset when they feel they have no control over events in their life. And I am (was?) a strong believer that no matter what you have control over your attitude. You can be a martyr and fall into self pity, or you can slap a smile on and try to actively solve problems and make things better. Lately I just feel like I can't control myself. I always try to think before reacting or saying something I will regret, but I can't remember how to breathe and calm myself anymore. I am feeling at a loss on ideas in how to shrug off my current status as a self loathing bitchy girl. Maybe it is just that I am justified in thinking there are too many stupid people out there annoying me. Show me how to mute the world.

Randomisms

Stupid thoughts

• Burger King had/has Halloween Simpsons Light up toys but I only found 5 of the 15
  
• It is impossible to find a recent picture of Peter Billingsley, the little Ralphie boy from Christmas Story
  
• Budgeting and trying to save money is not easy, it is in fact, very very hard (duh)
  
• Fat People are Harder to Kidnap (my new bumper sticker which is not PC at all)
  
• My fish tried to nibble my hand off the other day when I was fixing their plant...hence fish always think they are hungry and will eat food until they burst...they are not smart
  
• A frog can throw up his stomach and then scoops the contents out with its front legs
  
• I apparently have no life...er rather... I do not work when I should be
  

For shits and giggles

This is the funniest take on Eminem, Dre and Snoop's songs. The Dear Girl one cracks me up time after time.

So sleepy...need caffeine

Last night was so awesome. Castro was packed and the costumes were so creative and elaborate. I got the biggest dose of drag queens and have realized gay men are super duper skilled with costumes. And the most unoriginal outfit idea...50 million britney spears/catholic school girl wannabes who then had the nerve to complain, "Ew guys are being so gross and rude." Um...what did they expect with their boobs and asses hanging out. Then there was the other oh so tiny chested and shocked and surprised girl who had tape in Xs over her nipples. She was irritated that people came up to her. Gee imagine that. The best costume I saw was a lady who had made a huge shirt and her face was poking out the middle with huge fake arms cradled around her head, remniscent of Geena Davis in Beetlejuice. There was also this huge robot costume guy with his girl in matching garb that was really impressive. Can't wait to scan see see all those guys in drag.

I think it was a good day

So I won the Halloween costume contest at work and got a $10 gift certificate to Blockbuster. Now I can rent all those foreign films I've been meaning to catch up on. I don't think my outfit is overly impressive but it is sorta cool. I just wish more people had dressed up so I felt more deserving over the competition.

Four people have now told me I should dye my hair black. This was directly after figuring out I am wearing a wig and this is not my natural hair. I think if I visited my mom with black hair she would be more upset than she was when she saw the magenta/pink/red hair. Strange reasoning...but she thinks dying your hair black means you are evil are something.

Tonight I am going up the Castro district in San Francisco and I am sorta nervous for a few reasons.

1. I am worried that in the mass crowd my wings will get broken/smushed
   
2. I am worried it will be cold and I can't wear a jacket over my wings
   
3. I am worried it will be too crowded and I will get cranky
   
4. I am worried my shoes will be too uncomfortable and I will have to wear non-matching shoes or sacrifice comfort for glam ( only girls understand this difficult choice)
   
5. I am worried about terrorist crap because the media has brainwashed and scared me...they distinctly warned about going to crowded areas like Castro
   

However I do not have any other ideas of where to go and I am bent on seeing drag queens and lots of people in costume and this is the biggest street party around...For those who don't know, Castro is the rainbow district of San Fran and it gets pretty wild. I am going to cross my little fingers and hope all goes well and is fun.

All things Snoopy

I don't know why but I find Snoop Dogg so so so funny and President Bush being funny is a given. The man never makes a normal face.
And his counterpart

I am now a hypocrite complaining before about middle east jokes.

Uuughhhh

Someone in my office keeps squeezing a squeeky toy. This has been going on since 8 this morning at an average of 3 or 4 squeezes every 10 minutes. It is so so annoying and it is very high pitched. Every time she does it she giggles and asks her neighbor, "Am I bothering you? Hee hee. You know you like it." This is one of those things someone does over and over to get attention and see when someone else will eventually explode into a yelling frenzy like I am about to.

Two good things

I am the fallen angel today...I feel so gosh darn sultry sassy and purty...and dark....oooo mysterious.

My computer is in my room and all set up and is so awesome...60 gigs and Windows XP...I am a happy clam..or a happy angel...or just plain happy

I am slowly updating the poetry site
Tedious stuff

Isn't he a catch

Ha ha ha

Bridges are tricky

There is this bridge on the campbell park levee area that I cross over everytime I go rollerblading which is wooden and has annoying slats my wheels catch on. Everytime I carefully grab the railing and half walk/half rollerblade across...and everytime I fall or nearly fall. Back in the pre-accident days I could speed over this bridge and the momentum would keep my wheels from snaging and I wouldn't be scared and my adrenaline wouldn't be racing through my veins. Now when I go over the bridge I look ridiculous, holding the railing for dear life like a child holds their mother's hand in fear. In a near fall yesterday the wood railing saved me but left me with a nasty splinter which took 15 minutes under the knife, with my shaky left hand to remove. I am thinking of starting a petition to pave the bridge or replace the wood with some smooth alternative I can conquer.

Halloween Final Hint

Seeing as it is tomorrow...Black dress with black wings and a black wig and a HALO...dead giveaway...

Ummm

I am not sure if this is good or bad. It certainly classifies as troubling all around.

Yay for parents who have money

As promised when my parents moved away and I moved out: I could either take the old computer with me OR wait a month or 2 and daddy would bring me a shiny new computer. So I have been patiently anticipating the arrival of my new PC and...(drum roll) It will be here tomorrow, equipped with its 2 new companions: desk and chair. Yes this lovely trio of friends will be appearing live, in my room tomorrow around 2:30, and each day thereafter. That is PST for you excited east coasters. I can hardly wait. I am so stoked that I think I may have gained geek status. Granted I am not that savvy but it is way better than the computer we had before and it is NEW and it was virtually FREE.

Another let down

K-Pax was just no good. The plot was lame and the humor was definately lacking. I normally like Kevin Spacey's movies. He did a good job with the acting but the script was just yucky and the twists were not very well explained or thought out.

Donnie Darko on the other hand was the best film I have seen in a long time. The plot kept you on the edge of your seat. It had a great cast and numerous funny tag lines. I didn't know what to expect and went to see it on a whim and I am so glad I did. The ending left us with gaping mouths. It explained but not extensively and for once that was nice, to be able to speculate and discuss a movie and not leave feeling clueless. This reminds me of one of those little sci-fi ish cult following movies. Excellent and creative and brilliant...enough already...just go see it.

Yay for music

I saw Bis wednesday night and it was so awesome. This is the band that does the theme song for Power Puff Girls. I somehow stumbled upon them because they had a cool cd cover and back when I was first out of high school I worked at a cd store and we would crank up random cd's at closing, testing the merchandise. I've been a fan through their ever changing sound.
The venue was really small and intimate and besides being an all ages show which means immature kids still in high school whose actions scream exhibitionists...it was an enjoyable concert. I met Manda the lead singer and took a pic with her and was even winked at twice by Steve during the performance. The sound really came together well. Vocals could be heard over the music which would seem to be standard but in case of small venues usually the music drowns out the voices. Too bad that Bis only comes here like once every 2 years, granted they are from Glasgow, Scotland, but it still sucks they are never around.
I also found a cool new band: Dealership who has the sound I always look for but can never find. You know that poppy punky sing along type of music with thoughtful lyrics.

Ha ha ha

This is funny. No offense Maria

MIA

I wasn't around to blog my boring little heart out yesterday due to a day of destressing that was needed very badly. I have been having one of those weeks where I forget and drop things every fives seconds. My normal time increment between "accidents" is about 10 minutes, so I have not been handling this new onset with much ease. Yesterday it was nice to stay in bed and watch educational tv...like Jerry Springer, Blind Date and other such programming. My one trip out was to the library where I redeemed earlier mindlessness by picking up Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan and All the Names. See I am edjamucated in the words of something Ralph Wiggum would say.

Halloween #5

This should be a giveaway now. I have wings. Black costume with wings and a dress...

Strange little place, ain't it?

So I was thinking the other day. Imagine being an alien if you will, and viewing earth from an objectionable stance. Sorta from a The Gods Must Be Crazy viewpoint I was thinking that we are a strange "civilized" society. We have made all these luxuries into necessities. We advance outselves and create new inventions to make out lives easier, when many a time we are complicating things more and more.

We used to be a hunting/gathering society, living simplistically off the land. Now we have computers and high tech jobs and schooling is a necessity. We have to learn all kinds of rules and regulations in order to live appropriately and this doesn't include all the overt and coverts that we have to learn from experience. We now live in a time where paper and pen have largely been replaced by computers. Heaven forbid our server goes down at work. We all have to go home for the day. We put our money in banks, we have this invisible thing called credit, which we can’t live without, and many other "important" things like cars and homes depend upon for purchasing.

We take pills to make ourselves normal; we alter the genes of plants, animals, minerals and humans. We play god. We strive toward an impossible idea of perfection and it seems more and more that we demand this perfection from each other. We mostly depend on cars, airplanes and various forms of public transportation. We are impatient with these methods and seem to have forgotten the days of horses, carriages, wagons, ships and walking. It seems to be unheard of to many of my friends to have to walk more than 20 feet from the car to the building. We fight over the closet spot at the supermarket or mall so as to avoid walking any more than necessary. We are always in a hurry even though we have nowhere to go. We have forgotten about inner beauty and nature and now focus on materialism and image. We don't take time to nurture our souls anymore.

In recent times especially, we need to take an objectionable look at the world. We fight amongst ourselves, within our own countries racism and discrimination are still very present. We have children being abused and neglected and many citizens are without food and shelter. Not only are countries in turmoil within, but so many nations can not get along with others. We all feel that one way is the best and those who don't agree must be wrong. Wars have been going on for years in certain nations. These people don't even know what a day would be like to wake up and not have to fear the surrounding war. When did we become a civilization that needed nuclear and biological warfare? There is so much aggression and blame within people. No one wants to take responsibility or admit that maybe they can change. It is our first instinct to point the finger in the face of accusation.

I don't offer solutions, although I would like to be productive. Many have an attitude that "I am only one person and what difference am I going to make." I feel that way many a time because it is easier to complain that to act or react. I hope as I continue to mature I can find an appropriate, successful outlet for all these feelings. I would like the world to be a better place, although I don't expect perfection. I think some precautions and ideas are well intended although others border on selfish acts, based around seeing if we can rather than if we should. Awareness would be the first step I would guess. I suppose I am just disheartened that many people are unaware that anything is amiss. It is amazing to me how quickly we have accepted the way things are.

I had to put up Blogback like most other people lately. The page takes forever to load now. Boo hoo, oh well.

Link Whore

Ok so I now know what a link whore is. The following was an actual reblogger post.

AAARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! [pause] Damn me, I am such a far-reak! Haha, okay sorry, I'm just going on my annual "Reblogger bash". I go around people's sites, and write weird things. Hoping they will link me. LOL Hahahahahahahahahaaahahhahahahhahahahaahaahahheeeeee!.. ##############23#############
MiSS - posted at 20:15 GMT 19/10/01

Yeah...that is rather forward and blatant self promotion. Using someone else's site for promo is bad. And even worse her site isn't really something I would want to read. It was tempting to leave nasty comments but I refrained. Poor girl is already bad off as it is.

Halloween hint #4 that no one cares about

My costume is black. It is generic and not specific. It is girl costume only ( I would hope) and is a dress.

Remember snotrockets?

Ha ha. Puck from MTV's Real World San Francisco was on The Weakest Link last night. It was pretty amusing because the host totally ignored him and he didn't get to make crappy outbursts although you could tell he was dying to. I was so amused. It all came down to Kato Kaelin and Kaya from that skanky island show, and poor Kato couldn't remember that butterflies start out as caterpillars...Oh yeah...Gennifer Flowers is the epitome of stupid blonde tramp. "Tee hee. I am so proud of sleeping with Bill Clinton." Ok that wasn't a direct qoute but she seemed so smug.

Can I worry yet?

I know I am not supposed to panic or believe everything I hear but this is getting semi-scarier. I still stick with my belief that Anthrax is going to be perfected into something more guaranteed to be lethal. I want to know who is doing this. It seems easy to blame it on the Middle East people and problems surrounding Osama Bin Laden but for some reason I am thinking someone sick and demented within the US is taking advantage of the situation. I have still not fully accepted that it was sent to 10 or so Planned Parenthood locations. I do not see the reasoning behind the targets of tv new stations either. Unless it can be contagious or more widely spread it seems sorta premature of the senders to target well known newscasters. Today is just not a good day all around.

UM....okay.....according to my co-worker chips have a new name: Intestine hijackers. I am not sure if this is just the Sun Chips brand or all chip brands.

Shopping is bad...Bad Amber! Bad!

I have a good excuse I swear. I used to burn cds off napster or aimster or whatever other site I could pirate from. However with my recent move and my parents, I was promised a new computer which has yet to show up. So for now I only have work access and no burning capabilites. I finally broke down and went to Rasputins to pick up some cds this weekend. I was so bad. They just kept calling to me and I could not resist. 80 dollars later I walked away with:
Hole, Live Through This The CD that unfortunately died with my car and one of my all time favs.
Bis, Return to Central This is a scottish punk band that does the theme to Power Puff Girls. Their old stuff was way better but the new sound of this album and the last are starting to grow on me. I am going to see them in San Fran on Wednesday.
Dj Dan, In Stereo One of my favorite spinner's new album.
Mystre, Mysterium Another one of the great techno/trance guys.
Ozomatli, Embrace the Chaos These guys are so cool. Latin Rock mixed with everything else. An excellent unique sound. I am going to see these guys in San Fran this weekend too.
The Be Good Tanyas, Blue Horse This was the best find at the listening station by pressing the wrong numbers. This is the sweetest little all girl folksy band with the neatest little songs. I have been overplaying this cd all weekend.
Is shopping so bad if you get cool stuff?

So dissapointed

I went to see From Hell and Riding in Cars with Boys this weekend. I was not really impressed with either one. Granted although some people are not Drew Barrymore fans, I am. I really like her goofy roles (ie Never Been Kissed and Charlie's Angels) but this movie was just a real let down. It was too long and it tried way too hard to be funny/cute. It was semi-emotional in a few parts and I actually took Steve Zahn seriously for once as an actor, but overall the movie was poorly made. I have not read the book so I am not sure how closely it was based and maybe the book was just poorly written and the author's life was lame. I just think the movie could have been a lot better and the format would have been better if they didnt start the movie in the present and keep flashing back and forth.

From Hell looked really good and Johnny Depp has this knack for making me fall in love with him and his characters, but call me wimpy because I almost had to leave. Certain things in movies I can't handle and this had implied and real gore that was a little too much. I can't watch Dark Crystal still, Devil's Advocate, Interview with a Vampire...I know there are more...I can handle Sleepy Hollow or gore that is more fantasy based or cheesy. Suicide scenes freak me out, as do gory operations and just sick mutilation movies that show or imply things beyond my throw up tolerance. Not that I have lost it, but the thought of losing it is bad enough. The plot of From Hell had some interesting conspiracies on different levels but I wasn't happy with the ending which totally ruined any redeeming that had gone on after the gore.

The weird thing is I am not usually picky when it comes to movies. Usually I like most movies, so for 2 of my favorite actors, and 2 films I was anticipating to suck...well I wish I would've paid matinee prices for that crap.

Halloween costume hint #3

It is not a specific character from anything, but rather a general costume.

PS. Remember it is girly and involves wearing a dress. Thanks for amusing me and guessing :)

Damn that drill

I think the sound of the dentist drill alone is what scares me and makes me think it hurts worse than it does. It is like that nails on the chalkboard type feeling. (Shudders) The dentist I saw yesterday in part 2 of my fillings was really good though. He managed to numb my face utterly and totally better than anyone has and therefore I drooled on myself when I had to rinse and spit...and then proceeded to drool the next 4 hours. My roommate and I were rather delerious because she kept asking me to smile, since only half my face was capable of smiling. I think we were drunk at this point.

Halloween costume hint #2

I am going to wear a dress type costume.

Self Promo

I was thinking that I would start a site to post some poetry that I wrote. Granted some of these I don't like and some of them I really do...but I figure it is something semi creative and since I find it inappropriate to post my crack whore adventures I'm posting something that I did in more productive times. Besides I like sharing this sort of artsy mumbo jumbo. So without further ado I present ShortcakesPoetry. It needs some work and granted there is only one post...yeah...I suck.

Short story of my life

I am so tore up lately now that I am officially on my own and my parents/grandparents have moved 3 hours away. So now I am pondering what to do about the situation with my biological mom. My grandparents have played the role of parents to me since I was 5. My mom was around but was into drugs and partying and sleeping around. I suppose she just didn't grow out of the teen years and having me at 19 wasn't the best idea, but hey I am here so it wasn't all bad.

In 7th grade I decided that being around her wasn't good for me and told her I didn't want to visit her anymore. At the time I was living with my biological dad who I met when I was 9 and lived with until I was 12. He was nasty and typical redneck trash and my stepmom was even worse...no therapy but the abuse could have entailed someone professional to help out. So from the latter part of 8th grade until last year I lived with my grandparents and they have done everything possible for me.

BUT...the inevitable but...my grandparents' love is very CONDITIONAL. In recent years, being I am of forgiving nature, I really want to try to have a relationship with my mom. I found out I have a half brother I have never met, and lately I find myself craving more family. I am between a rock and a hard place so to say though. Granted my grandparents have moved away and it would be harder for them to find out...but if my mom wanted to be spiteful she could find a way to let them know I have betrayed them.

See the condition is that if I want to have a relationship with my mom, my grandparents will not have one with me ever again. They say that it would be spitting in their face by going back to someone they tried to keep me away from for so long, that I chose to block out of my life. I have talked with them numerous times on the issue, trying to explain that I won't feel whole or have my closure until I find out how she is and see if I might be able to establish some semi-functional relationship with her.

I always thought I could handle not seeing my dad's or mom's side of the family. I have always had my grandparents to count on. They have supported me and taken care of me and gone above and beyond in nurturing me into a young lady. I worked through a lot of the more abusive issues and low self esteem I had when I was younger. It is just now that I am sorta a grown up, I really miss that mother/daughter friendship. My grandparents are rather young (early 60s and act younger than that) but what I remember of my mom when she was "all there"...it was a like a big fun sister. I really don't know how to handle this. In gaining my mom, I lose the 2 people I really have and love in my life. Besides I risk that my mom is someone I really don't want anything to do with still. No one seems to be able to figure this out for me. I remain stuck in limbo...confused.

Halloween costume hint #1

Something that is girl oriented only.

This was slightly disturbing

I recently ordered this book from Amazon because I like Angus Oblong and his short 6 episode cartoon stint that ran earlier this year. I was shocked that for a "children's scary book", emphasis on CHILDREN'S, it talks about susie getting a tingling in her v***** when she sees her crush. Does anyone else find this sorta offensive...

To pay or not to pay

So I have this leftover money from my birthday from my generous father, that I have been trying to save for a much desired trip to Disneyland with the boy who has no money and can't go for probably 10 years at this rate OR for emergencies. Disneyland may be subject to qualify as an emergency at a later date. However I keep looking at my credit card and I am tempted to make a huge payment ($1000) and almost pay it off. The downside is that if I run into trouble and have an almost payed off card I will be tempted to start using it like crazy, hence ending up with a huge balance again. Help!

Not a bunny

I feel like an easter egg today. Fushia/magenta hair with pink barettes...what was I thinking? No this is not part of the Halloween costume.

No yay for me

I did it again...I decided I need to get back into exercising and have gone rollerblading once since the infamous accident. It happened in April and the doctor said no exercise for 8 or 9 months. Last time I went was a few days ago and I had a fence mishap. So yesterday I went for an hour in an attempt to get back in shape, release stress and get some adrenaline going. Everything started out fine...I went down one pathway and rather than attempt the bridge I bailed on last time...I can back the same path. I then crossed the safe bridge and went down another path, turned around and came back. With my car in sight and an experience of safe rollerblading almost behind me I crossed back over the safe bridge, holding onto the railing like a pathetic beginner. I daintily picked up my skate to cross the metal grate connecting the bridge to the pavement and was almost home free. I then felt gravity pulling me down. I had tripped on the grate and went plummeting toward the ground. I scraped my hands and my right knee pretty bad, not to mention damaged my ego and embarrassed myself in front of 10-15 someodd exercisers who proceeded to ask me if I was ok. If you have ever rollerbladed you know that being on your knees makes in impossible to get up. I had to roll over on my butt and drag myself up using the chainlink fence. I somehow hit my head and have a large lump, luckily not noticable on my right temple. I sheepishly excused myself to the onlookers by saying, "I haven't done this in a year and I was expecting that display of ungracefulness. I broke my pelvis and now have to reIearn this stuff." I think I will look into that helmet now.

Yay for me

I have completed my Halloween costume...you all play the guessing game and then I'll tell you what it is. This is an attempt to make something not exciting more exciting.

Say what?

Did you know that Tuna, as widely believed, does NOT in fact grow on trees in those little cans. I KNOW. Let me tell you my friends, I was shocked and amazed that those little cans are fishy tins: Poor fishies that were caught by nasty hooks and nets and chopped up. I am going to go mourn now for those that have so tragically given their lives.

On a similar note...Honey does not come from bears, which is rather misleading considering the packaging. Apparently some Winnie the Pooh character started it all. But Honey in fact comes from bees. I assume there are specialists who milk the bees although I can not be qouted on that. Science lesson is now over kids.

Too Busy for Slacking

I do not like training for new stuff. See normally I do my fair share of work and then some, surpassing the other brown nosers for the official brown noser title each day...and then I have time for email and talking and reading needless amusing crap...or....er...I mean cool stuff that passes the time and makes me smile like a giddy idiot. Now today I have been in training for yet another task all day long so that now I have 3 jobs instead of 1. And I know you all will not believe this but it is for the same amount of pay. Yes out of the goodness of my heart I like more work than I can handle...or would like to handle. Yeah that was sarcasm.

Genius Comic

Max Cannon is the strangest funniest man ever.
Oh yeah...I learned how to link and do headlines...pretty sad I am happy about this.

I want to go rollerblading today but it is heat stroke weather out there. Us Lily White Assed office people type are used to air conditioning at a standard 72 degree setting. Oh yeah and I am scared to rollerblade because last week the fence attacked me. It also embarrassed me as people saw me plummit toward, I mean get sucked in by the possessed and evil fence and get wedged under the loose chain link. This was not comedy people. This was a cruel and usual happening in my accident prone world. I am thinking of buying a helmet. Oh wait. No I'm not.

I feel like I am slowly sinking in Jello. Stepped in and felt my legs wobble, settle in like suspended fruit. Penetrating down thru the gelatin mass as it slurps around me and swallows me up. Trying to keep my head above but still falling in slow motion. Trapped, staring out from this jiggly prison. Even worse, it is Strawberry Jello. Where is Bill Cosby when I need him.

I went to my much anticipated Ben Folds concert at the Fillmore in San Fran last night. His opening guy, Citizen Cope was just incredibly awesome. Lots of unplugged vibes and a very Led Zeppelin sound at times. His album comes out in January I believe. Anywho Ben Folds was awesome and I was amazed that his following has gotten so much bigger. The three shows I have been to before, the crowds were fairly small and the shows weren't sold out. It was just a very feel good time and I was almost at the stage, very good spot for watching the master at the piano. I still have Tori Amos and Weezer to look forward to next month as well. Might pick up some tickets for Ozomatli too. I am concert hungry lately. Just found out Bernadette Peters is going to be in San Fran and all my nerdy high school choir/theater friends came rushing back to mind. I don't think a lot of people ( well younger people) really know who she is but I remember seeing Into the Woods with her on PBS when I was a kid and I was hooked. So I am gonna have to track someone down who actually knows and likes her and see if I can get tickets.

I am not ready for this...

My pirate name is Red Anne Kidd: Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

I am not sure whether to laugh or feel offended by all the recent email jokes I am receiving. I know that humor helps us cope with the state our country is in, but at the same time I feel a little saddened at our attitudes and blind hatred. I do not claim to know enough about the Middle East and its people to make a concise stand or develop an appropriate viewpoint. I do know that there are plenty of innocent people there, people who in a sense want and feel the same thing as all people...basic needs of food, water, shelter, love, sense of belonging and sense of security. I also know that there is a certain mentality there that would not be easy to shed, being they have been taught the things they have been taught since day one. I am feeling very torn up and confused on all this. I am trying to keep in mind that this was a specific group, not a whole blamable country that did this to us. I want justice, and not to sound like an ignorant girl, but I think it was necessary to take physical action and exert some power on America's part. We can not be seen as weak, letting anyone who wants to come and terrorize us with no repercussion. At the same time there is no easy solution. I hate to think back on the things we have done to other countries (main one comes to mind is bombing Japan and I do realize what happened at Pearl Harbor but I just don't know if our retaliations are fair...is that the right word?) So I guess what I am trying to say is there has to be some happy medium. I watched a lot of the BBC when the attack happened on the 11th. They made a good point in saying America needs to reevaluate its relationship with other countries. I feel like at times we do consider our philosophies, government and way of living to be the judge-all that other countries should want to emulate. I wish there was some happy medium balance between the tree-hugging hippies who want to do nothing and the die hard militants who want to "bomb the shit" out of the middle east. Note to self: Do more research so as not to further confuse self.

How is this for a Scary Horror story...ok maybe that is misleading but you decide. I got special permission from a manager at work to take my friend at work, Candi, to the bank to clear some things up. Candi's car is in the shop so she asked a favor and our manager is very sweet and was concerned and wanted us to go and take however long it needed. So we drive to Washington Mutual, funny she asked me to take her considering my bad driving record. The background is Candi had an account with Washington Mutual and had a small loan. She switched to Wells Fargo and made sure everything was taken care of and in place and she could continue making small payments on the loan. All the sudden Wells Fargo informed her she can not touch her own money and there is a hold on the account until she takes care of her debt with Washington. Catch 22 because in order to pay Washington she needs the money from the held account with Wells. They told her she should have paid off the loan in full at the time she took it. Hello? Why would you take out a loan if you can afford to pay the whole thing shortly thereafter. So we walk into Washington to get a letter stating that Candi intends on paying and to have Wells unblock her account so she can write a check to clear the owed loan money. The rep at Washington says they don't write letters and they didn't put a hold on her account. She looked at us like we had the nerve to come in there and bother her from preening in the mirror and flipping her hair and this wasn't in her job desciption. I am sorry...I am very tolerable and passive, but when it comes to doing something your job entitles and you are being an asshole/bitch about it, giving us dirty looks like we are disturbing your from doing nothing, you should be yelled at and chastized and Amber gets rude. A rarity but it does happen. She informs us there is nothing she can do and she doesn't know what to tell us. We had to beg her to call Wells to straighten it out. Two hours...READ 2 HOURS later we walk out of Washington with a letter...(the girl can type letters! gasp) to give to Wells so that she can clear everything. So Candi calls Wells after faxing it and now they say that letter isn't good enough. They want one that says Washington will clear the account and no matter what Wells is closing her account there as well. So now she is bankless and can not have her money until Saturday. I am so fuming over this. I have B of A and have never (knock on wood) had a problem with them in 7 years. I feel like calling that girl and asking her why she is a liar and why she didn't just do what we asked in the first place and save everyone time. I can not stand when people give you a limitation on what they can do and it really isn't the truth it is the limit of what they are willing to do which is usually, "I can't help you." It is hard as a customer to know what can actually be done since no one gives the same answer. If you turn into a bitch on them they finally do what you are asking...I wanted to be nice about it...Society sucks, namely the financial institutions today. GGGGRRRRRR!

On a movie note before I run off to spend time with my dad who drove 3 hours to see me and has to drive 3 hours to go home...Do you feel the love people? Do you feel it?...Ok back to movies...I saw Training Day which I was skeptical about last night. Denzel is never a bad guy type but his performance was awesome in this. The movie wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be and I loved Ethan Hawke in it as well. So getting dragged to this kicking and screaming was not a bad thing at all considering I was glued to the screen the whole time. Besides the movie had Snoop Dog as a wheelchairing crank seller and the best line ever from Denzel's mouth, " I know you just didn't." How can you resist?

As much as I love Bjork and her music I am not sure about my feelings on Dancer in the Dark. I love indie films and granted some of the scenes in the movie were very creative and cinematically stunning, but it was almost too weird for me. She is sacrificing everything for her son who is going to go blind eventually as she is during the course of the movie, yet her relationship with him does not seem to be a close one. The characters seem underdeveloped. Maybe that is it. I just didn't really like anyone in the movie. I do however like the overall plot and devotion, basic story of mother who sacrifices for her children. A musical indie film...I guess the idea alone was almost a sole stand alone in the movie business.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I have that stupid melody from Lady And The Tramp stuck in my head. The one where they are all out walking on a sunny day. I don't know where that came from since I haven't seen the movie in years. I am losing it. I think I shall blame...Canada.

Did anyone see Enterprise last night? It looked good from the preview. Can you tell me what happened? Please!!!!

I failed to mention my episode at Taco Bell today. Some old lady with googley eyes, who had to be nearing the 3 digit age range yoo-hooed at me for a minute before I realized she wasn't yoo-hooing to my friend. She then said something to the extent of, "You have the very pretty hair." Followed by, "Is that real hair?" I don't think she was all there. Where have all the high class Taco Bell customers gone? Granted my hair is bright red with unexpected fushia looking highlights...known as plum colored hair to my co-worker, I think it is very farfetched that this could be my own natural hair color.

No offense but Canada sucks. Why can't they use normal zipcodes??? I got stuck with data entry today somehow and all mine are in Canada. They have to use numbers AND letters? Why???...I am not bitter. I am not bitter. I am not bitter. Plus my tab button isn't working for some reason and IT guys are MIA. Sigh...

I have decided that beeping things should be hit upon or smashed or thrown in a drawer and muffled by clothing if they do not stop beeping. Recently the beeping things have taken over my life and sanity. My car beeps about 10 times when I get in if I do not immediatly put my seat belt on. It isn't that I don't like wearing a seat belt but I hate being mothered by my car. My new phone beeps excrutiatingly loud whenever I replace it back on the receiver, which I believe as of yet after a few hours of reading instruction books can not be set differently. This beep serves no purpose whatsoever other than to frighten me each time it happens since I never expect it. And damn my alarm...it beeps every morning. This reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe and her smoke alarm get into a fight.

I was going to establish a token phrase for myself, thinking that "Get out of town" was amusing. Then I remembered that Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers used to say, "Oh get out of the city!" That will be my new recycled token phrase because I find it funny.

Last night I was an official rebel. While rollerblading around the boy and I spied a pool and hot tub in a nice gated apartment complex and started drooling over how nice it would be to go in the spa that night. So we hatched an evil plan. We started out as small time rebels and went across the street from my house. The boy is tall enough to hang on the fence and reach in the tubey thing to keep out trespassers and open it anyway. The place was in ghettopartments but was secluded and surrounded by bushes. The problem was that the luke warm water was just not nice enuogh and wouldn't hear up after 30 minutes. We got up our ganas and went back to the nice place. We waited in my getaway spymobile and finally a few cars went into the gate and we followed. We parked in a guest spot and hiked over to the pool area. This gate was super short for us midgets and easy to open. The spa was nice and toasty. A little too toasty if you ask me. But it was nice and we didnt get caught. We went back to the car to sorta strip and change so as not to soak the spymobile's seats but some dumb lady was trying to get her dog to shite outside and we couldn't bear cold naked body parts to her...so my car suffered a tad. All in all I am a hot tubbing rebel.

Funny side bit. The boy has a BAD MOTHER FUCKER wallet like the one in Pulp Fiction and it is leather. He somehow forgot it was in his pocket and drenched it. He then wrapped all cards money and wallet in seperate napkins in my car to dry. After I dropped him off I got a frantic call on my cell that his wallet was gone and must be in my car. Nope. So he went outside and looked and scattered all over the street and somehow untouched were napkins, cards, money and a soggy wallet. I surpressed laughter and seriously told him, "You might want to get a wallet that says STUPID MOTHER FUCKER." Am I not clever?

My hobbit name is Lobelia Gamwich of the Bree Gamwiches.

I am feeling sad...and tired...and useless. Sitting here is not good for me today. I don't like feeling infinately drained. Like someone bottled up the essence of me and drank it, stole it away in the night. Perhaps I just need to get more sleep.

O my weekend...notice the new pattern of O my openings in my entries. So Hearts in Atlantis made me turn into a sappy crying young woman with puffy eyes three...count three times. Yes it was touching and heart wrenching and very good. Better than Green Mile, but it was sorta slow in parts, but worth seeing. Afterwards bickering and misunderstandings ensued. Thou shalt not mention it since I am trying to make things better with the boy. I scored cheap ass rollerblades that are the snap style I wanted that they no longer make so somehow I got them for $20. That was cool. My dad decided that leaving my other semi new blades in my car after the accident to be towed to the junkyard was a good idea. Heaven forbid he have to bring them home to me along with my freshly purchased speakers that were not harmed in the accident either. Now the junkyard children are skating around on my skates with bumping tunes coming from my wrecked ass car. A junkyard party due to my bad driving. So I had to spend money I didn't need to but the sale softens the blow.

I went to Santa Cruz to see my best friend ever and she yelled at me! For the first time in our 12 year friendship she screamed and made me want to crawl under a rock and cry. I don't think she realized how deeply disturbing this was to me. I tried to put unneeded pasta down at Cost Plus and since her sister works there she screamed with angry eyes(like Mr Potato Head in Toy Story 2), " Go put that back where it belongs right now! This is where my sister works!" I seriously was expecting her to breathe fire on me and turn into a dragon. She apologized and said she shouldn't have gotten that angry but she has never treated me that way and over that??? Mental note: Pasta goes back on the right shelf...OR ELSE! And to aforementioned best friend...when I come to visit you, as much as I love your friends and family, I am selfish and want a full day of just spending time with you and not with everyone else. I hardly ever get to see you and it sucks. I realize sunday is your family day but if I only see you once a month or once every two months I sorta want more quality time of gossip and catching up and...what would you do if I pushed you in the ocean type moments...However yesterday was good for shopping. The shopping angels flew over me and guided me to un-needed shoes that I can't live without. So 2 new shoes now sit in my closet, along with the other much needed I-can-not-bear-to-throw-any-away 60 pairs: A fatty pair of black sneaker shoes with little flames (sugar style...by volatile) and a pair of comfy white slip on rocketdog sneaker shoes. Hail to the shoe gods. I also got 2 pretty girly pictures at Cost Plus for my plain white boring bathroom. One has a girl with fairies at her feet and the other is a vintagey looking girl sitting in a circle and doing something vintagey that I can't recall right now. Yay for decorating my bathroom! I didn't find anything at Ross though which hardly ever happens. I think the screaming fit I endured ruined my shopping capablities.

O my god of pathetically sad entertainment for (british?) people. I was cruising around the web looking for that website with the dancing hampsters because I remember it sent me into hysteric giggles for some reason yet to be determined. So I found it and they had a new video which I could not resist. It had real people! Real people dancing in the most embarassing ways to the cheesiest song. You have got to see this because it is like nothing else I have seen and it cracks me up. Am I deluded or what? My link thing won't work so you are stuck with copy/paste. http://hampsterdance2.com/singvid.ram

I am an incredible girl genius. I must admit that I know nothing of html and templates, which can never be repeated that there is something I don't know. But I digress, the point is I figured out Reblogger! After 1 hour and 53 minutes of confusion and finding out no one in my office knows html save for the IT guy who is missing, I Amber Rae figured out how to put that damn script thing in my template. It only took like a billion tries. I got the comments but lost my writing or it left weird javascript on my page. So now it works and I even changed the link text. I am so so smart today....I am so smrt, I am so smrt...S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T.

So I went to Mcwhorters which was out of business for a month and totally emptied out and now a month later is back in full stock. These scary office supply stores are very indecisive. Anyway I went there on a break to force myself to take a break from work and I got the perfect refridgerator decoration. It is this cat on its hindlegs with little black dominatrix boots and a corset and a whip with a bad ass kitty attitude all over it. So i figure it was so random and cheesy that the roomies would be amused. Interesting conversation with the boy which is forcing me to write about and now I feel like he told me to so I am rather than out of inspiration but it is on my mind. So boy you have been acknowledged. Oh yeah and you exist. And I like you so get over it and tune in for better topic discussions about you. Almost time to be off work...well a half hour early like normal since I don't take a lunch and could get majorly busted but sigh I am bad. I have been trying to read more at work when I have time but alas I am a blog addict now and have to look at pages to see if people funnier than me have updated. Oh and then I look at other stuff like Rotten and College humor and all kinds of messed up stuff that entertains me and distracts me from being bored which I still am so it doesn't really matter. So I am trying to read this book about Mustang Ranch the brothel in Nevada (whore house for us unedjamucated people). I guess this lady got permission after 3 or 4 years of begging to go inside and do a study. It was supposed to be on safe sex and condoms to tell the world since the hookers could be so safe that we should take tips from them. You think I am not serious? I am. But I barely started reading it and it is sorta interesting and a brave step for me to read non-fiction. I ate way too many goldfish today and am feeling very listless and unmotivated. Can not seem to remember I lost Live Thru This in my car accident and I want to rebuy it at Rasputins but I always forget. And I once claimed it was the album I could not live without. Ironic since it has been months since it died in the crash and I barely noticed it is missing. This is the omnipotent sign I was looking for that I have too many CDs and must admit I am a junkie. Must go to anonymous meetings at a later date for new/old/unrealized addiction. EEEEEWWWWWWWWW. I just got an email from program manager who is going to be out of town and I was all gleeful. Now he sends and email list of 85 companies to research while he is gone. Somehow my other co-workers get 60 or 50 and I get freakin 85? Where is the justice in this system? I do more work to look good and brown nose and secure my job and get rewarded with more work...sigh...and I read a disturbing qoute today. "Life is not fair but life is not fair to everyone. Thus life is fair." Or something like that...Can I not complain and whine and not be taunted back by sayings from anonymous people? At least it is time to go. Small justice for lunchless losers exists.

Today I am going to try my darndest to be more like me. I am not sure exactly how one accomplishes this but I used to be funny. Well I still am, but just less funny. I saw this girl the other day who was being a better me than me and I just can't be having that. I mean I don't want to have to try really hard but I need to let me be me more so me isn't neglected and I don't forget how to be me. Ok enough confusion. Let me take a minute and try to explain who me is. Me is Miss Amber Rae. I like to read, Bridget Jones style books are my taste as of late. I like to write this mushy gushy depressing stuff as noted from previous entries. I like to rollerblade and hike and cry over nature and how purty it is. I like to go to Toys R Us and oogle over the new toys and then complain that they still aren't up to par with strawberry shortcake and my little pony and care bears. I like to go the beach and jump in the water and catch crabs...not down there, but the ones on the rocks...oh you know what I mean, and act like a boy...cuz tomboys are best sometimes. I like to turn up my music in the car really loud and bang on the steering wheel like drums and sing and make a spectacle of myself. I do the shameful pointing finger thing with the music in some mock attempt of John Travoltaism boogeying down. I like dying my hair bright colors and pretending I am cute enough to be a cartoon, a 4th member of Power Puff girls. I like watching Disney movies and listening to Portishead and Mazzy Star and crying and getting all sentimental. I like seeing little kids act all cute and say silly things. Little kids crack me up...this is our future and I remain so hopeful when I see them in their childlike innocence. The monster whining children at Walmart have got to go though. I walk with my head tilted to one side when I am nervous or self-conscious...I am not too proud or thrilled about this head lolling but what can I do... I like sparkle eyes every day, not just for the club and I secretly tingle inside when people call me sparkles or sparkle girl. Kiddo remains my all time favorite term to be called though. I like being a smartass and doing that sort of flirting with people. Not really flirting in an "I want you" sense or anything...but just bantering back and forth with guys and gals from work or stores or wherever my smart ass strikes. I am the nicest meanest person you will ever meet. See when I meet people I am a smartass and tease them and some people who have no sense of humor think this is mean. However those of us cool smartass types know this is a smartasses way of saying hi and getting comfortable. If I don't tease you be afraid, be very afraid. So once I get to know them and all that I am still a smartass but I am a very sweet natured kinda gal who wants people to like her. Anywho I am still working on me. This is brief parts of me. But alas the wretched bosses at work might actually appreciate me doing some work today. The nerve. If they only knew I was on the road to self discovery.

Funny how the things that I used to like, I just don't anymore. Like someone wiped the dust from the window and holy pink pigs flying I can now see out the window! You mean that was all I had to do all this time? And I sat there for so long looking out and imagining a surreal little picket fence world. I don't want surreal anymore. I want reality. Sweet compassionate caring reality. Not idealized dreams of a silly girl who liked to like things that were bad for her. I am learning that I like being happy and being around people who dust me in fairy dust and make me feel like I can fly. Like some twisted spin off of Peter Pan I feel like jumping off my bed in my nightie, spreading my arms and feeling that weightlessness for a split second. That childlike bliss of floating, and all that deluded time I thought I wanted to sink below the waters, thought it would make me happier to surround myself with someone who I couldn't seem to work it out with. Time after time the self proclaimed fixer would fail and she finally realized that in looking for things that don't need fixing she could be so much happier. That she would be rewarded with golden sparkling powder that could make her fly. She doesn't ever want to drown again.

Darling give me your absence tonight. My dreams are fading. My faith is my light. The darkness draws near in my grey whirlwind of fears. The thought of alone is my most terrifying fright. I've searced for the answers. I've crawled toward the sun, and the voices I turn to leave me staring at no one. So I lie in a pit in the bottom of my mind, numb of feelings and hungry for time. My nightmares, like demons, cling to my skin, and these pings of envy leave me sensitive and thin. A transparent shadow, a wisp of a girl, a remniscent lover whose sanity unfurls. I reach for my darling, but I've sent him away. And for once in my life I regret I didn't stay.

Days like this I don't know what to do with myself. Dreams can be deceiving, like faces are two hearts, they search for sweet relieving, when fantasy...and reality...lie too far apart. So I stretch myself across like a bridge, and I pull you to the edge. I stand there waiting, trying to attain the end to satisfy the story. ~Fiona

Broken girl, you break yourself more and more each day. Regrets. I feel so alone the more I am surrounded. I keep wishing and hoping for some force to intervene and revive me. Someone to breathe the life into me and create me. I am seeking, always scanning but unaware, unable to see as fog clouds my vision. I try to cry. I try to feel something. I feel weak. I feel...despair. This is not what I was looking for. Fix me now.