You

I remember you, the boy I never knew. You hid your black book away, but all you secrets spilled out one day. You thought I was naive and that I'd never leave, but I'm doing better now than ever and it didn't take that long to grieve. I didn't know you were playing wicked games, I never got the rules, you tried to push me down and make me another one of your sad melodramatic fools. Things are different now babe, if you gave me your heart I'd toss it aside. Bottom line you need to learn is this girl has way too much pride. I better not see you face come around anymore; the only greeting you'll be receiving is the slam of the door. I'm not your baby girl like I was before, and if you finally are going to shed a few tears go back to the arms of one of your precious whores. Your persistent calls are unwelcome, your pleas and attempts unrecognized. You only want what you'll never have so stop your pathetic tries. You practiced all your lies through your plastic smile, told me what I wanted to hear, enticing me to stay awhile. Well this girl is seeing clearly now boy, your performance deserves applause, but your kitty won't be purring for you anymore, she’s ready to attack, she’s already bared her claws. Put your tail between your legs and run away like the dog you are. When people ask what’s left of you I'll point to my heart and show them this insignificant scar. You thought you broke my spirits and left me here to die, so let’s leave it at goodbye; I've no more tears left to cry.

A bored day of transferring emotion to paper

Your teeth scrape against my bones, tearing away my flesh, my delicate skin, leaving me naked and vulnerable, shivering, a skeleton with a half intact heart, its rhythmic beating slowing by the minute. Every time I let you in the pain is exactly what I expect. An eternal optimist turned pessimist in matters only pertaining to you. Ever since I met you everything seems to have paled in comparison to what I thought you were offering me, to what I thought you could give me. Like Narcissus drawn to a mirror, your image takes precedence over the love I so uselessly try to give you. My summer feels like winter without you. It rains everyday you give me false hope, like a storm cloud that has settled over me to mock me, constantly taunting me with what I wanted but couldn’t have. I've found sunshine elsewhere but it just isn’t as bright. Your fire left me burnt and scorched to my core but I felt alive, with a hunger just to be next to you. I willed myself to let you in time after time, needing to let you fill me up after it seemed that every ounce of you had finally drained from me. It's sick in a way but I'm addicted to letting you devour me whole.

Simplicity

I've neglected you for quite some time. My nicotine addiction is the drama I wallow in. Drama masks other issues. Deeper issues that are beyond fixing. Issues with no solution, at least not pleasant ones. Solutions that close in on me like malicious walls thirsty to suffocate me. Emotional hurt that no one ever warned me about somehow took hold of my life. My mom always told me to only care as much as the other person cares. Like one has control over feelings. Like the elusive on/off switch exists and is easily accessible. And I wonder if I could be blissfully happy without conflict, without confusion, without self imposed obstacles.
Simplicity- so true to definition. You offerings are of equal comparison to myself, unselfish, sincere. I'm staring through my peephole. Unsure if I should open the door of opportunity. Hesitant of the unknown, history telling me I crave complexity. My sensible mind telling me this is what I deserve. My heart, ever unphased, lacking memory of previous aches, not quite agreeing so eagerly. At some point I took too literally the phrase, “Something worth having is something worth fighting for." Perhaps we get a break once in awhile and we receive an effortless gift. I'm not quite sure if the door says to push or pull. I sigh deeply and lean, hoping for temporary support. I want to breathe easy.
So simplicity, I resolve to this: take my hand and gently guide me, let me lead you at times or give me the satisfaction of thinking I am leading. Be patient with me and amuse my expectations as best you can. I have never been one to intimately know simple. But I'm willing to take a few steps, open the door with conviction and begin a journey, an expedition with you simplicity. I surrender just don't let me glance back at familiar complication.

Things are sooo yay right now

So all the sudden after a year on and off of being mostly unemployed, I have 2 awesome jobs, one of which pays really well and will be fulltime soon so I can work 5 normal days instead of 6 long ones. I just applied for an awesome apartment all by myself and I have found the cutest boy.
I don't know how life turned around sooo fast within basically a week or two. I am not complaining though. I think I may have to buy myself some ice cream.

Also I have fallen in love with old movies at the Stanford Theater...and Cinequest is gonna be downtown san jose soon too. But first and foremost I need to see Old School. Not anywhere near Film Noir or Indie but it looks soo funny. If I wasn't in love with Kattan, I would so be married to Ferrell. Or at least be his super funny goofy mistress girl.

Not ha ha funny

So I saw The Hours last night and was dissapointed. It basically was a movie thats overall message was "Life is life." I got the deeper undertones and all that but I walked away unimpressed and have no desire to see it again. Depressing.

Joe Millionaire and Bachelorette were really funny though. Evan is sitting there talking about how this girl is so great and sincere and might be the one....and it flashes to her saying how he isn't intelligent or cultured and isn't really her type...but she could get used to the lifestyle...and the Mellisa girl......pure comedy......"it was so romantic when we were sitting on the beach as the sun setted." Setted?????????? Ha ha....or when Evan says that keeping his secret of being a poor ass guy "eats his brain out."

And then on national TV the bachelorette talks about "trying out the goods" and sleeping with the guys. Somehow regardless that I think women should do what they want......on national tv, after 3 or 4 dates to be advertising that you need to sleep with a few men to choose the best one......seems rather tacky....but then again the show really isn't advertised as a high class production.

Living shouldn't be called living when it's really only half alive

How is it that a person with no money and nothing to do has developed a bad habit, almost as if the little credit card demons came in during the night and superglued it to my fingers and then left me little notes all over the house that say, "You need new shoes." "You poor thing; you have nothing to wear." "Go shopping. It will make you feel better."
It is sooo pathetic. I try to occupy myself with jobhunting and reading and boring daytime tv and/or Dvds that the credit card demons approved as necessary investments. I am trying to exercise more but the weather and lack of daylight hours aren't really permitting. I need a good kick in the ass. And the willpower to cut the credit card or at least leave it at home.

This is my life

I think I hate men...and unemployment and moving, and psycho creepy backyard peeping toms that won't go away.
Life is so boring lately and I never get to do anything fun and exciting cuz I ain't got no cash flo.
I could tell a tale of a poor girl whose life could be a sad tragic comedy but that would probably be boring too, although based on truth. Hey maybe I could be a reality show and turn my drama and bad luck into profit...hmmm.
Oh yah, I am so auditioning for American Idol...there are some crappy ass people on there and I have a pretty good voice in comparison...and I can prove it if u are willing to give me your email...also thus proving I am a dork with no life who records herself singing on her pc.

P.S. I am an optimist damn it!

Boooooooooooo

So my new job sorta sucks and I don't think I am gonna last there..plus it is less pay than what I wanted and the commission is impossible to acheive....I was making almost as much on unemployment which sorta sucks bigtime. Now I am stuck cuz if I want to look for a new job I can't really get time off for interviews and whatnot. Sigh....there are a few positions I would LOVE to switch over to but there aren'y openings right now...I think I will complain for a nother week or so and stick it out,besides I don't have a choice, I can't leave til I find a new job.

In other news I am dying to see Eight Legged Freaks and might be going to Hawaii with the cute bf guy I have within the next month or 2 if things work out....I'm going to Hawaii!!!! YAY!!!!! If you don't watch crank yankers you are missing out....

Also

I start my new job Monday! Yay!

Not a fan

Where to start...driving can be cool sometimes...when someone else is behind the wheel and I get to be DJ. Driving is not cool however, when you are driving along between 75-80 mph in the fast moving carpool lane and suddenly everyone is breaking and getting over to the right and all the sudden you find yourself tailgating a big ass lincoln, with a little old lady peering over the steering wheel driving 30 mph. IN THE FAST LANE! I felt bad and all but mostly just irked that people that are that clueless and blind are allowed to drive. I wanted to honk at her but feared I would send her into cardiac arrest if I scared her.

I also hate driving because it gets revenge on me. The boy recently spent between 600-700 to have his windshield sealed and re-fiberglassed and whatnot. 20 minutes after driving it out of the shop a gravel truck in front of him threw out a ton of rocks and cracked his brand new expensive windshield. He now has to take it in and spend another 150-200 to get another new windshield. As this was rather funny I couldn't help but laugh at his sucky situation and bad luck. Today while driving down the freeway my friend and I heard a popping noise and lo and behold my windshield now has a medium sized crack on the passenger side which by law of all things shitty will most likely be expanding soon. To whoever said there is no such thing as Karma, don't try driving on any roads in any vehicles with windshields.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it

I might have a job starting monday if my phone interview goes well tomorrow....Just talked to a friend who hooked me up and it turns out the job is something very familiar and right by my house. I am just super duper excited to join the world of the living again....or um working..or something.

Last night I went swimming after kickboxing and discovered where all the white trash has been hanging out. There were little girls with no tops on and scary people in black smoking pot by the hot tub, followed by a couple having sex in the pool next to a group of very obese, loud and rude people who kept cannonballing over my head and bumping into me, along with a group of very dirty grannies who were drunk and asking innapropriate questions. All in all it was one of the funniest nights I have had in awhile.

Saw Men In Black II today which was ok I guess although I am very dissapointed Johnny Knoxville's part was so small. I went mostly to get out of the heat since we have no ac at home and the highlight was the LOTR 2 trailor that just looks completely amazing.

Muuaahhh Ha Ha Ha

Nothing really to say...just the funniest thing ever to share...What Time Is It?
Thanks Maria

Aw and Ew

We had the cutest day yesterday in Santa Cruz. We made a little picnic lunch and went up along the cliffs to Natural Bridges Beach, found a nice non-windy spot away from people and for a few hours just relaxed and talked and munched. We chased down a duck and her itty bitty baby ducks, trying to feed them crackers as they swam desperately away from us 2 scary monsters apparently. The Boardwalk was really fun too...not too crowded and not too cold. Bumper Cars ranked pretty high up there due to the fact that everytime I bumped into this little boy he would turn around with this look of surprise and then give me a dirty look. I thought by the third time or so he would get over the initial shock but no...and to look back and see my guy with his evil kinevil look trying to come bump me was too much. I think that was just the cutest date I have had in a long time.

On the ew side however, my roommate found where the flies are coming from. The pipe behind the toilet has a hole around it where it goes into the wall and they have been crawling out through there...hence after she sprayed the evil temple of the flies about 30 came crawling out and died on the floor. Thank god it isn't in my bathroom.This goes back to the theory that something is dead in the attic or wall and the mother of all flies laid eggs in it. She plugged up the hole in her bathroom and I am hoping called the landlord so we can have someone come take care of the dead thing wherever it is. I just don't want them finding a new way into the house. How disgusting huh? And these aren't tiny little flies. They are horseflies about the size of a quarter and buzz very nosily and scarily, not to mention they may or may not sting according to my roommate.

Huh?

Randoms......I saw Minority Report and Bourne Identity...both were rather good and will probably be added to the DVD collection when released. I think Minority was a little long and semi-drab to look at for lack of color...I really want to see The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys and Eight Legged Freaks though...

The boy and I are going to Santa Cruz tomorrow...50cent night at the Boardwalk was too appealing to pass up and I don't think I have been to the Boardwalk for 5 or 6 years. Not to mention both of us are jobless and have the time to run around and have fun in the sun while the money keeps dwindling away.

And to prove once again that I don't learn a lesson, I was out swimming on Saturday and rinsed all my sunblock off because my front side is now beet red and stingy. On top of me deciding to dye my hair red I now look like a big goofy tomato.

Speaking of goofy, I have been hanging out with Maria and have been cracking up every time I remember all the little side jokes we have going. I could list and explain but somehow without the context I don't see any justice being done so I will save those for now.
And in honor of Homer J Simpson I have decided my official rebel song is Uptown Girl.....ha ha ha....

Venting

Maybe when people say you shouldn't live with your best friend (of 9 years) they are onto something. The latest drama deals with my new guy. As in she doesn't like that he comes over and has now instituted a quiet after 10 rule. I am surprised it isn't a lights out rule. She complains that the talking and tv bother her and any other noise she might have heard. I suppose I can understand trying to keep it down but that is what we have been doing and she keeps complaining. Says it isn't fair that she has work in the morning and we keep her up. He offered to buy her a white noise machine (tis whirring thing that drowns out noise and helps people sleep) and I offered ear plugs to both she refused.

The thing is that her bf has his own place and while that is great that he NEVER comes here and she is there 3-4 nights a week, I think she wouldn't follow her own rule if he was over or they break up and someone new comes over here. My guy is almost an hour away in Berkeley so it isn't like I can go to his place every single time.

First thing this morning I get an email from her asking if he is staying the night tomorrow. She has been really anti social lately and elusive. Not to mention rude to my guy and my friends the last few times she has been social. I really don't know how to handle all this because it seems there is no pleasing her and I don't think it is fair I can't do what I want in my room. I pay equal rent. I know I need to talk to her about the rude comments lately because it embarrasses me and reflects back on me that I keep company like her. Normally when it is just her and I she is much more likable. I am just thinking that this guy is someone I would hope I will be seeing for quite some time and this issue isn't looking like its going to go away. Sigh......I feel like I have been reduced to a bad soap opera drama.

Lobster girl

So going to L.A. with my parents was weird. They are scared of traffic and just were annoyed and on edge the whole time. And Disney was packed which I am not used to since I normally go in the off season. And also there should be no children under 5 or children in strollers at Disneyland. Mothers obliviously wander around ramming peoples shins and ankles and should not have had children in the first place if they lack the common sense to watch where they are going. Besides I have no memories before I was 5 years old so parents aren't really obligated to do anything cool with kids til then....okay maybe that is a stretch but it sure would save money. Also Disneyland is very clean since the little litter scooper people run around all day making sure everything is spakly and the bathrooms are even impressively clean.

In other news, MTV recently shocked me with a decent line up of videos all at once. I got to see Miss Kelly Osbourne prance around , Eminem who I must admit I really am addicted to his new song, Days Go By with the awesome breakdancing guy and Moby's new one....Not a trace of Shakira! Whoo-hoo! I am really digging the new Corn Pops commercial with all the multiplying happy dancing cartoony guys. It is just too adorable.

Just saw Say Anything for the first time and have fallen in love all over again with John Cusack. I used to think Better Off Dead was my favorite but not anymore. Lloyd can come pursue this nerdy girl anytime he wants. I am not exactly sure how I had never seen it before, considering I am a big fan of cheesy 80s movies.

And sunburns suck. Especially non even ones that leave funny tans afterward. Like the circle where my bathing suit had a ring and the sun seeped in. My front side is still white while my back, arms and thighs are bright red. I will not being going out in public anytime soon.

Saturday wait, Sunday always comes too late

It is almost 1 in the afternoon and I have been sitting around in my underwear all day watching movies. I feel a little bit guilty of being lazy and needing to get a job. Yes still. Don't you wish you were me? Er....um.....maybe not...
I stayed at the boys place a few nights and think I am developing quite the sweet tooth for him. Or maybe its the delerium that ensues after getting almost zero sleep. I seemed to have forgotten how much I love this beginning stage when you stay up all night talking and giggling and watching cheesy movies.
I am also super duper excited about next week. I am driving to Yosemite to my parents monday and then tuesday-thursday we are going down to L.A. to see my psuedo sister and go to Disneyland. And friday when I come home I am going up to see Dealership play in the city.
Things with the roommates are a bit tying lately. I love living here but I am feeling like I need some alone time and somehow holing up in my room seems like it shouldn't be necessary. It is just that when my door is open I somehow end up having two people lying around my room and I can't really do what I want to do. The getaway is much needed. Oh yah...did I metion Disneyland???

Out of Control

So Saturday night I wandered over to Berkeley for a house party of a friend of a friend. (Technically it was almost a wake for this girl's cat who just passed away that she had for 19 yrs and only had 3 legs(sad and crazy.) Anyway it was a small fun little gathering, good food and drinks, music and conversation. Well there happened to be a neighbor of the crazy sort there. This girl had on her nice black shirt and skirt with running shoes. The girl was prepared to get her groove on and after drink 4 things started to get funky. Her and her male friend she invited kept busting out in an irish jig to 80s music. Then they started getting rather frisky, as in her moving his hand from her hip to her chest and he was going to town on her neck. She somehow got the idea that if she tried to get up on the rest of us we would give her dollars so she tucked the bottom of her shirt into the top, making a tiny little top and proceeded to grind her pelvis on anything moving or not moving in the room. It soon became a game where anywhere she went, everyone would migrate to the opposite room. I was attacked in the kitchen with a seductive hug and brush of hair followed by tummy rubbing before I could slide away to the living room. Another girl at the party as not so fortunate. Innocently sitting on the couch, the crazy girl cozied up to her and laid her head on her shoulder, rubbed her arm and then put her hand between her legs and started rubbing her thighs...innocent girl took quickly to the kitchen. After drink 6, crazy girl decided to take irish jig boy somewhere more private, apologizing if she went to far to most people there. It was a relief when she left but somehow I don't think I have giggled that uncontrollably and that hard for quite some time.

Baa-Baa

I feel rather sheepish...being as I am a girl and tend to stress needlessly over boy related things. So on Monday I dropped this boy off at the airport for a short fun Florida trip. He told me he would be back thursday at 10:30 and I offered to pick him up, so the plan was that he would call me to let me know if he wanted me to still pick him up or not. So I sat around last night figuring that he had to call me wednesday night because of the time difference and that his flight would be leaving early thurs morning. I even went as far as to argue in my head that the bars close at 2am which would be 11pm my time so I might get a late call from him. So no call. I got all stressed and whiny and pouty. I figured when he got in this morning I might get a call. He called a little while ago. He is still in Forida. His flight comes in at 10:30 tonight and he wants me to meet up with him and stay the night. All that freaking worrying and analyzing and stressing for nothing. I am officially a lame-o. It just seems totally unfair that girls are made like this and guys aren't. Girls sit around thinking about guys and getting all giddy and then disecting every word a guy says to her and what the hidden secret meanings are and when he said he wanted to hang out did he really mean he wanted to and when he said that I looked nice did he really mean my butt looked big and guys are basically thinking...mmm...beer.....

The same thing every time

Everytime I go to kickboxing I work up a pretty good sweat, so while I come home feeling all proud of myself and sore in a good way, I am rather the stinky girl. This is not a good thing when you are dragged by fellow kickboxing roommates out to dinner (shame after working off all those calories) or dragged grocery shopping or to get gas. So when I come home I am still in said stinky state. But the longer I wait before jumping in the shower the more I am able to jusify that the sweat is dry and not nearly as stinky and that sleeping is a better option and waiting to shower til morning. Then I get that feeling where it is like I can't sleep knowing I didn't brush my teeth and I start to feel guilty if I don't shower, that the stinky dried sweat will crawl off my body and contaminate my sheets for every night thereafter if I don't shower. This is a major dilemma. Also sweat makes me break out sometimes hence giving another reason to shower. It is just that after the shower I feel like someone injected me with caffeine and I am wide awake. Sigh...to be so lucky as to worry over the trivial....I am off to shower.